What Is/Are Friend(s)

My last few posts were from my phone late at night, so I don't know what I wrote, but I'm sure it was all peaches.

So, lately I've had trouble grasping the necessity of keeping up with old friends while I'm away. I guess I just tend to commit to wherever I'm at, which leaves little room for friends outside of my own little world of work, much less friends that are hundreds of miles away. The more those friends expect of my friendship with them, the less inclined I am to keep up with it. It just seems to me that I always have the choice between working hard and diligently, and focusing on people. This showed itself a lot this semester, since I stopped trying to make time for people, instead letting it happen if it happened, and often being willing to say "no" if I thought it would affect me academically.

I don't want to overextend myself. It isn't worth it. I'd rather have no friends but be able to reach more people than have some friends and unable to reach people. Maybe it sounds as if I'm playing with extremes, and that's probably true. But that's kinda how I need to be thinking. Future souls are on the line, peoples' future lives are at stake, and much of it rides on how well I can handle things now.

Dreams of mine like writing books and poetry, going to Disney World, traveling Europe, learning guitar, dancing, finding my wife, and everything else I daydream about, they must all be submitted to The Lord, ready to be sacrificed, 'cause otherwise, they can compete with His purposes rather than jointly serve Him. It is difficult though, especially since I find myself checking the cost of flights to various parts of Europe every day, and looking up YouTube tutorials of dance moves and occasionally picking up my guitar to refresh myself on a few chords.

Parts of 3s

So, I'm rereading this book series, The Wheel Of Time. Well, it was a reread until a few books ago, and now it's almost reached the end. If you don't want spoilers, don't read on, a'ight? So, in the books, the main character, Rand, convinces himself that the only way he can save the world and defeat the Dark One is to make himself cold, distant, and hard. He does this to the point that when his hand his blown off by a fireball, he reacts no more than if he had gotten lint on his jacket.
So unfortunately, I kinda pick up on the emotional trends in these books. Though everyone in the book says it's stupid, I start thinking that I should do what Rand does, mostly because he is always talking about it as he makes decisions.

So I've kinda become distant towards people. Not all people, but it happens often. I guess I just realize how fragile and temporary all relationships are, and since I know that they aren't going to last the way they are for longer than a season, it stops feeling worth it to look past what I have to deal with. Between school, family, planning the future, and trying to discern God's opinion, people just seem like a bother, especially when my investment of time will be worth little after I graduate.

Well, no time to complete that thought. Tired again.

Reflections partso doso

This semester, I quickly realized that in order to do well at school, I would need to minimize social time. I put to rest my rule of always getting coffee with someone every week. I stopped being intentional about friendships.
And I did better at school than I had since freshman year.
But it made a sort of change in me. I began to do away with the thought that had once kept me in check, "If we don't make people a priority, then what's it all for?" Rather, I ended up discovering that I'm an introvert, that though people make me happy, I can make it without them, and I work better that way.
But I also had the problem that I attract people. People love my personality and my humor. I'm a magnet.

It has begun to annoy me, how stupidly favored I am. I'm no better than anyone else... Haha, sorry, that's my time at home talking. My mom generously gave each of the siblings $100, but gave me $300. I was ever so thankful, but also frustrated that my mom would act that biased. And THAT frustration also stems from her treatment of Priscilla.

And here I thought I wouldn't be able to get myself to write much.

Cassie claims to love me as loudly as ever. I treat it all sarcastically, but she sounds serious a lot, even after drinking. That's just plain terrifying. She's just like my mom, except possibly louder, which is quite a feat. I was borderline rude to Cassie this week, 'cause I hesitantly went to her end of the world party, endured her trying to dtr (while I tried pretending to drunken slur through the conversation), and then pretty much ignored her invites the following days.

Senior Fall Reflections (Part 1)

Ah, reflection time.

Well, this was my best semester academically. I don't know yet whether my grades will show it, but this is the best I have ever been, academically. I remember reaching the limit of how much time and effort I had previously been willing to put into a class, how much the class was entitled to, and going far, far beyond that limit. I ended up cutting out intentional social time, though the social time still happened frequently. I attract people, like bees to sweet sweet nectar. Can't help it.

This wasn't my best "me" though. I still have yet to encounter that version of me except when I'm in ministry, on the mission field. Not being in ministry, my youth pastor moving from Texas, where I could occasionally talk to him in person, to California, it continues to take its toll. I feel the effects of the lack of accountability. I forget what standards I have and why I have them. Fortunately, I still keep up with my friend Cameron, who continues to be an example, even when he is going through a rough time, and I'm able to remember my roots as I go through my own struggles

There were many days this semester when the only thing getting me up in the morning was that head trauma patient and the memory of those children being put through needless pain, and my increasing desire to become able to help them. I love pushing myself to minister on mission trips, working harder and harder, but I just want to be able to effectively work against the suffering.

I've had to try to figure out where I'm going. Shortly after my trip to Uganda, I definitively decided not to take the MCAT, and, therefore, not to apply to medical school this year. That left me with a search for grad schools to attend in my gap year between undergrad and medical school. I looked at public health programs first, which my advisors recommended to me. What they didn't tell me was that public health is generally a computational, analytical type of career. Numbers aren't my thing, and Excel and I aren't pillow friends, so I realized that public health probably isn't for me, though the idea of maintaining a standard for the health of the public in a given area was inviting.

I'm tired. Maybe I'll continue later...

Finished With Finals

That means that I'll be writing out the semester's reflections soon...

‎"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god." -Aristotle

Maybe Possibly Kind Of A Lil' Stressed

As I've looked at graduate programs, I thought I had found the perfect one. I mean, a year-long program that would give me a masters degree and specifically prepare me for medical school? THE BEST! Except that it requires an MCAT score, not a GRE. I have yet to take the former.

I keep on stressing about it, and about the field experience journals that I've waited all semester to get a grade on. I just hope I don't fail it. I really hope I don't fail it. 'Cause then I'll have to do field experience next semester (with a considerably lowered GPA).

I'm beginning to stress, which is something I'm not allowed to do, because I don't own stress. It belongs to The Lord, and me stressing is me stealing it from Him. Unfortunately though, my reflexes with regard to spiritual upkeep aren't what they once were. I am not what I once were (intentionally bad grammar).

I keep just reading my books. I need to tone it down. Because really, it keeps me up late and my spare time occupied, so that I don't make time for much school nor for much reflection. Growth happens in reflection, and since I haven't done much reflecting this semester, I haven't grown much.

In fact, this semester, I became "productive", a term I hate people using to describe their days/weeks. Factories are productive. People aren't factories. But I kinda have been this semester, just churning out assignments and memorizing things, keeping myself emotionally stable only through working out, and hardly pausing to just be, which was once a favorite activity. As I said frequently when I visited home over Thanksgiving, I feel like the right side of my brain has shrunk due to lack of stimulation.

I haven't been intentional with relationships much at all. I've just convinced myself that I can make it without all that, whereas I used to always check myself and ask myself "If you can't make time for people, what's it all for?"

I'm not my favorite me. I feel like I have many years until I get to be so. On the mission field, I make sense. Apart from there. I'm like one of those puzzle pieces that you have to use a hammer to make fit.

Check Yoself

I'm realizing that when you don't stop to check yourself once in awhile, you can get lost meandering through life.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with myself next year. Top of my list is to go on a mission trip for an extended period of time and work under a ministry. Okay, that's not entirely true. I wanna go to Europe for a few weeks. But the desire to go on a mission trip is like the desire to read my Bible or work out or eat a balanced meal. I want to do it because I know that it will make me a better person than I am.

However, I am unlikely to travel to Europe, Africa, or Asia, at least not for long, because...umm...
As I was writing that, I realized that I don't have a real reason for why I don't think I'll be able to do those things. I guess I tend to assume that God won't let me go out and do what I want because He has kept me to this path for so long, and I used to resent it. Now I love it, though I don't know if its effect on me has exactly been the best. I just feel like my only hope of doing things right in life is to jump into something with the accountability towards selflessness required by work as a missionary. As it is, I fall into old habits too easily. When I'm on the mission field, all else is abandoned and I'm just whatever God has made me to be up to that date.

Europe is just beautiful and allows me to revel in my love for history and art, the former being the subject I would have majored in had God allowed it. Days of journaling and writing poetry in coffeeshops while people-watching are among the reasons why I have such a deep desire to be back there.

I don't know what God has for me in the future, but I do know that I need to listen to Him and ask Him about it, which is something I haven't been doing to the extent that I should.

It's That Time Again

...When I become convinced that life and I would get along infinitely more anywhere else doing most anything else.

Need Direction

I need direction. I have little idea of where to go for grad school. I'm postponing medical school for at least a year, possibly two, so I can show through grad school that I can keep my grades up higher. I just need to know where God wants me to go... He usually tells me stuff, so He's bound to speak up soon, right?

What Gets Me Up In The Morning

Sometimes, the only thing that gets me up in the morning is thinking about that guy in Uganda with the head trauma, or those children in needless pain in the hospitals there. If it wasn't for them, I don't know that I'd be able to make myself keep working on a day like today, but as it is, I must keep working, if only for their sakes.

Deeply Rooted Fears

Sometimes they're too deep for me to begin to want to unpack them.

Crushless

I have managed for a week and a half now to go without having any crushes. For the first time, I had the willpower to actually be as single as I am, and not live with a small fantasy in my head. It's strange when I want to write poetry, because I feel that I am lacking in a muse. All I have are my own thoughts reverberating in my head, clanging about until they manage to ricochet out and into a semblance of frustrated writing. And there it lies.

I don't know if it's smarter or easier this way, but I think it's better.

Upcoming

I've been recruited for an act in Mock Rock, and I am ever so excited about it. Mock Rock is John Brown University's lip-synching competition, and since I didn't get to be in an act last year, I've been craving it. I love performing, and this is such a fun way to do it.

I'm also kinda hoping to be selected to host the Talent Show in the spring, though I also kinda want to put a dance together to be a talent. For that, however, I'd have to learn to breakdance, and I still don't have that down at all. Either that, or I'd have to form a dance crew. Or maybe both.

All of my classes are left-brain oriented, and my creative side isn't really getting a chance to shine. I kinda miss it, though I can't afford to. Tragedy.

Stumbling Block

Lately, I've been thinking about what a bad influence I can be. The only thing that really scares me, that stops me in my tracks, that kinda haunts me, is the possibility of being a stumbling block, or of holding someone back. I've never dated. The primary reason is because God has never given the green light for it. In truth, I don't believe that I can do a relationship right to any real degree without God being an intimate part of it.

Unfortunately, that leads me to actually fear relationships. Not just with dating, but with any close friends. I'm too much of a people-pleaser to do things the way I should, so despite my intense love for God, I am afraid that I will lead people astray simply because I cannot say the difficult things that must be said. Or do the difficult things that must be done.

I don't think this for no reason. I have been a stumbling block before, and it weighed on me more heavily than most any other thing has. I want to be a force for good in the world, to shine the light of Christ, to become a doctor and bring healing to people, and to make people laugh. But when it gets personal, I am afraid of myself and my inability, my lack of will, to put God's commands before the people I become close to, even though those commands will only bring good in the long (and often the short) run.

These have been dark thoughts. I know that most of the influence I tend to have is good, but if I push anyone in the opposite direction, I cannot bear the weight of it.

Ran into this quote on Tumblr ('cause I do every social network, of course), and maybe it applies.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

—

Carl Jung

Approaching Fall

It's that time of year. Fall, with leaves changing, a chill wind blowing, and me kinda wishing I knew how to utilize the season well. Thanks to sophomore year in college, I closely associate this weather with Freelance Whales. After these two years, they came out with a new album, which I have yet to purchase. I probably need to, 'cause once again, the few songs I've heard from it fit the mood. Actually, I just now bought the album after writing that. It's called Diluvia.

I get in the same sort of mood that this season gets me into, where I wanna curl up alone with hot chocolate, or, if things get crazy, a heavily sugared and creamed coffee, and just sit. And think. And write. And watch. And listen. And be. Since it's hard to curl up alone in a small college town where loads of humans know you, even if you don't know them, it can get tricksy. Would it be crazy to lock myself in my trunk at the lake just so I can lay down a lil' bit and listen to the wind blow past?

After all, quiet time is essential, and I haven't really gone for that much this semester. I treat my room as my quiet place, but I still find myself yearning for a drive to the lake. No matter how clear you think your head is, it can get clearer, and that's good for it.

'Dupid

Learned a lesson today from pullin' a 'dupid. Then I looked at some of my old blogs and realized that I had learned that lesson before, but it obviously didn't stick. 'Dupid repeats.
Fortunately, God likes to use a 'dupid regardless of the fact that 'dupid is as 'dupid does.

TV, Foul Temptress

So, talking at The Gathering went really well. It was my first time preaching to an English-speaking people, and it was SO fun. I wanna do it again sometime. The video should be up next week and I can't wait to watch. People were laughing for most of it, until I got real and serious, and everyone thought it went well. The best compliment I received on it was that it was just like getting coffee with me. Gotta be more real than I instinctively am if I wanna reach people.

At the insistance of my flatmates, I began watching the show Dexter again. I had dropped it since freshman year due to the nudity in it, but since then I have both learned to skip scenes and to keep from turning nudity into an automatic sexual thing in my mind. Working in Ugandan hospitals helped that. So it isn't really so much the content of the show that is a problem, but rather, that each episode is around 50 minutes long, and that they have cliffhangers at the end of each one, so that you must continue watching. There is a reason why tv has been rooted out of my schedule (except for Doctor Who and Community). It keeps me from being this wonderfully new disciplined me that I've been loving. I've moved my average science grades up a letter or two and am loving it. I'm kinda scared of the mystery that is my future, but I know that if I stay fit and healthy and work hard like I have been, and keep God at the focus, I can make it.
So basically, I need to stop watching Dexter, because it does take over. This, of course, is made difficult by the fact that the writers for the show are very good.
Books are my friends. Those and friends. I need to remember that both of those are important.

I found out today that I'll have to take 15 hours of science courses next semester in order to graduate. I thought this strange at first. I really only thought I had two more classes left, adding to a total of seven hours, but no, I will have to take 15 hours, and it will be a full 18 if I attempt to take French II as well (probably unwise). The reason I have to take so many hours, I discovered, is that I took 16 hours of classes last semester for my major that don't actually count for my major. I switched the emphasis on my degree in order to avoid taking Genetics with the evil professor, which meant that two semesters of Physics and Organic Chemistry were both entirely for med school in the future, and do nothing to help me graduate. SUCKS.

Dabbling In Ministry

I'm speaking at The Gathering, the student-lead service John Brown University has on Sunday nights. I'm speaking on Romans 4-5, along with Genesis 12, 15, 17, and 18 (I think). Essentially, it's just explaining what Paul was explaining about the life of Abraham. There's a lot to glean from it, and God has kinda seemed to decide to make me live my life in the same kinda mindset.

What has impressed me like crazy, though, is that with this taste of ministry in mind, God has been bringing things up. He's been using me. I don't even try to get a word from the Lord anymore, but He gave me a word for Laura a few weeks ago, that she needed to be single (God loves making me give that word), and she succumbed to His persuasion the other day. Last night at 2:00 AM, my best friend from Texas, Cameron, called me to tell me that he and his girlfriend just broke up. He and I hadn't talked in months, though he is the one that I make sure to meet up with when I'm around. I got to be there for him and pray with him, and I had really forgotten how good it is to be that for someone. He and his girlfriend were kinda the hopeful ones in my perspective, the Christian peers who were doing things right and managing to make it work, and even the breakup involved them praying with one another and deciding that it was the best thing.

I wouldn't share that much about it, except that I'm fairly certain that no one from home reads this anymore.

And I feel like God has some big plans for Sunday night. There might be an altar call. And since I think it's fair to guess that SOME people at this school aren't saved, I'm tentatively planning on giving that opportunity as well. Always include a salvation aspect whenever you preach. Always.

In all my love for traveling, for learning new things, and for all of that fun, I sometimes forget that I feel at my absolute best, the peak of my character, when I'm in ministry. The accountability is just golden, and I miss it so.

Lil' Cuties

I don't get how God can make such small adult people that aren't midgets.

They follow the general rule of life: cuteness is a measure of crushability.

Missing Two Things

This semester, I'm the most disciplined thing. I work out, eat pretty well, and work hard in my studies. I'm doing better than I've yet done in my college career (so far, at least), and I'm taking only classes I want to take. But I'm beginning to despise it.

Despite my love for what I'm doing, and despite the relief of being able to study wonderful things, I've cut out two important things: social life and creative pastime. I still hang out with friends sometimes, but I don't have much of a close friend group anymore. This is largely because for one thing, my close friend group from last year is studying abroad in Paris this semester. For another, I live off-campus, and that keeps me away from the basic social things like eating at the caf for lunch and dinner.

As for the creative pastimes, I don't practice guitar like I should, nor do I spend hours studying dance moves on YouTube. I'm not marking in my calendar and counting down until Mock Rock, or the Talent Show. Even my dreams of traveling in the summer have a degree of fakeness to them, since I know that I will probably have to get a job rather than spend six weeks in Normandy learning to speak French better.

Without those creative pastimes, I crash. I need them to have balance in my life. Without those, I'm becoming like a robot, being "productive", as other students call it. I hate that word when it's not in reference to a factory. I'm not just here to churn out homework and papers and tests. I'm here to learn! I'm here to become better in all areas of life! If I'm not doing that, I'm wasting my time.

One Continuous Flow

This is kinda weird to write about, but whatever.

Before I went to Uganda, my main fear was that I wouldn't be able to make myself look at private parts, both that of men and of women. I've trained myself too well to avert my eyes.

So when I saw my first childbirth, it was the strangest thing. You don't realize that a woman is one continuous thing. In Africa, they kinda tend to leave it all hanging out. In more "civilized" countries, parts are hidden, making them more coveted. It makes the breasts into a prized territory, and guys will do things just to get a glimpse of or touch them, and it's simply because they're covered up.

Then I learned something that should have been obvious, but it honestly kinda blew my mind in its simplicity. A woman's body (like any body) is one continuous flow. Granted, I have a mother, and I've seen pornographic material before, but when a good portion of the body is always covered up, you can actually begin to separate things out, as if the vagina and breasts were a whole territory separate from the woman herself, some idolized thing.

When really, once you see a woman stripped down to wearing no more than the baby that is about to burst out of her, you see her, all of her. She's not boobs. She's not a vagina. She's not a butt. She's one whole person, one continuous flow of human, with various accents and parts, but it is all a part of a whole.

Somehow, seeing all of her made it easier to realize that all of a woman easily encompasses and swallows the various parts of the woman, and you just see her.

There's Always Hope

I tend to try to ignore my parents' divorce and the effect it has had on my family. Oh sure, I was all involved at first, and spent a semester dealing with it in myself, but it's been two years, and I really just tend to distance myself.

I've tried to help some. I give advice, especially to my mom, but whenever my advice is "tell everyone that no drugs are allowed in the house" and "bring God into that situation," she reveals the insecurity that comes from something as shattering as a divorce, and she can't bring herself to do much of anything, for herself or anyone, except to frequently go on dates and to find comfort in the smaller things in life.

As a result, my youngest sister began her downward spiral at school, and my other sister was put under enormous pressure to be strong for my mom, while she was also engaging in sibling rivalry with the youngest sister, who was spoiled. Youngest sister started drinking at an age when I still thought drunkenness to be for those who have fallen away from the faith. She dropped cheerleading, which had been her life, and just endeavored to hang out with popular crowds, all the while ruining her grades and reputation until she was finally put in alternative school. She graduated from there, which meant that she would not be allowed to attend a four-year college until she had completed two years of community college.

I had hoped that my oldest brother would pick up the slack on holding things together, but though his advice was sometimes sound, he was also smoking weed, drinking, and generally wasting his time with video games and RC planes. He still is, for the most part. My other brother was the same, except that his love for marijuana was generally well-known.
And my mom gave both of them permission to smoke in the house because she'd "rather let them be caught here than get caught somewhere else and then go to jail."

My mom was the one who had pushed for the divorce. My dad had acquiesced. If there's one thing she stands by, it's that life is better now that they are divorced. My dad has seemed more stable, but with my youngest sister as the only real dependent in the house, (since the rest of us work or, in my case, travel or are at college) he spoiled her, and she abused privileges.

My youngest sister also got a bad boyfriend, who, my sister would later tell me, was preferable to our youngest sister. He told my mom that she was a bad mom. I got mad. Alexandra was going through her teenage rebellion phase, so she wouldn't answer to anyone.


I find it hard to think about all of this. Especially 'cause the main message that God has been working on me both for me to learn from and to preach from is about hope. You have hope in something, whether it be God or the weekend or your next paycheck. Yet with my family, I certainly don't see hope for remarriage. I don't really see hope for parents smarting up and living like the Christian family they were three years ago, before I left for college. All I could do by being a strong Christian in high school was delay the inevitable with my parents.

And now, even if I was at home, I'm not as strong of a Christian as I was before. I'm just not. I've been shaken and rattled, and am hardly ever involved in ministry. Since I'm not at home, and I'm not as strong of a Christian, and I question my morality and identity, and fall prey to the countless insecurities that come with spreading yourself thin, it's hard for me to see hope for my family. I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO KINDA USED TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, AND NOW THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE CRAPPY MATURED VERSION OF THAT!

And yet, against all apparent perceivable realities that could possibly happen, Abraham believed in the hope of the promise given to him by God. He had hope in something much more impossible than the healing of the brokenness that is my family, or my chances of becoming a doctor and also discovering a scientific breakthrough. He could not have children, but God promised him that he would, so he did.

There's always hope. It's just difficult to look at it through all the junk.

Trust

I'm starting to realize that I might not be the most trusting of people. I like people 'cause I have pretty low expectations for everyone. I don't really expect anyone else to follow through with their responsibilities, and I tend to think that everyone has to find their own self-motivation.

People have always said that you can't trust people; you can only trust God. But I'm realizing that just like I need to put hope in things in order to give them worth, I need to put trust in people too. Even though that means that I'll probably get hurt and whatever, it's something that needs to happen, 'cause without trust, relationships are pretty worthless. And since we need relationships, we need to trust people, even if they aren't as reliable as God.

Reading And Writing

The good thing about becoming busy is that I begin to miss the things I didn't do when I wasn't busy.

I really miss writing poetry. And because my poetry has stunk for the last long while, I realize that I also miss reading poetry. Not for classes, not some assignment, but just reading poetry for the simple pleasure of dipping the tip of my tongue into the thoughts and emotions of a fellow soul (see how poetic that sounded?).

There were times during this summer when I had sat down specifically for the purpose of writing poetry, but what little I managed to cough up belonged with the furballs in the gutter. Since time is one thing I don't have allotted to give to that kind of reading and writing, I am left wishing for those times in Belfast, when I took literature and art classes and reveled in the culture therein.

The other problem is that I work out now. So whenever I feel down (the time when inspiration flows), I work out to feel better rather than just writing. It's healthier for my body, but my mind is kinda getting the crappy end of the deal.

The retirement plan I have that probably won't happen ('cause God will probably wring me out till I'm dry) is to stop somewhere, preferably in Europe, and sit in coffee shops and write poetry while sitting and feeling a place.

Oh to dream.

Conversations

"Why should I not date him?"-a girl to me.

"WHY SHOULD YOU??? WHY DO YOU JUST NEED TO DATE RIGHT NOW??? ENJOY BEING SINGLE WHILE YOU CAN!!!!"-my thoughts, voiced in a more neutral, less incredulous manner.

Done Got Broke

I don't think I've ever had an experience that hit me as hard as Uganda did. Honestly, the flashbacks and images that haunted me afterwards, that made me grimace and shudder when they suddenly erupted in my mind at various times throughout the day, they reminded me of my first car accident. I had had my car only a month before I was t-boned. I still remember the flashback images, see the other car entering into my car just ahead of where I was seated.

The point is, I literally had stressful flashbacks of the experience. I couldn't force myself to actually think about it because it was that trying. The pain that people had to go through, the needless pain... The children in pain. Doctors and nurses and nursing students, digging away into a child's pelvic region, searching for the femoral artery in order to get a blood sample, when a cannula has already been inserted into their hands, making a perfectly good point at which to draw blood. That man with the laceration to his head, and the nursing student who laughed at the pain as he stitched up a wound that was certain to become infected later...

The only clear thought I had afterwards was that I needed to go back, not necessarily to those hospitals, but to ones like them, and correct the wrongs being done, training nurses and students properly. If the students are practicing medicine too early out of sheer necessity, they need to know how to do so without screwing up the patients even more than when they came in.

I keep on feeling like there's more to glean from it though...

Company

Bad company corrupts good character. The problem is that I'm at a point in life when a lot of the company I had once chosen wasn't the best for me, and the good company I could have chosen is now kinda distant. You aren't supposed to abandon friends just because they're crapping up, but then again, I don't wanna start crapping up.

Just how strong in the Lord am I? 'Cause that really is going to be the determining factor in these decisions. A friend of mine who has led loads of mission trips and teaches at conferences and stuff recently posted on Facebook, asking who would like to travel with him next year. And I just thought how that would be the greatest way to begin mission work. To actually tag along and do ministry alongside someone who really knows what they're doing, who inherited the job of the head of his ministry only a few years ago.

I mean, imagine traveling, being mentored by a missionary who is literally training pastors and leaders to rise up in their local areas. It's called a dream internship, and that would be the ideal summer. Gah, if God would be willing to make that work, I would just love it.

How Did It Change Me

I've begun to wonder how much Uganda changed me. It wasn't a matter of leaving America, or even of going to Africa. I've done both before. But when I was in Kenya, I did what I could and then left. With Uganda, there just wasn't much I could do, but it was obvious that something needed to be done, or their medical care would continue to crap up.

I've seen enough now that I know things. There's no guesswork. I need to graduate from college, and from medical school, because people in those places need me to. When I do my homework now, I first think along the lines of "Well, I gave it a shot," but then remember those people and I think, "No. I need to do better. Better than whatever my 'best' was before." They can't afford to have me do a second-rate job.

Total other note. Since my senior year has started, I've already felt overwhelmed by people. My old youth pastor texted me, reminding me that I need to be intentional with people. And naturally, he's right. I had relearned over the summer the simple art of not seeing people and learning to be content with it. However, if not for myself, then I need to see people for the sake of people.

I guess I just love the idea of pouring myself out, of exhausting every part of me without expecting anything in return. When I begin to think that anyone owes me, or that I should expect something from them, I correct myself. Lately, I've begun to think that that might have turned into a it of a trust issue. After all, no expectations for people means that I don't really believe a good portion of what people say. People are fickle. God isn't. He's the only one I trust, I suppose.

Maybe I've been rambling. I'm too drowsy to tell.

Expect Nothing In Return

Every time I get frustrated at a person, I tell myself "No one owes you anything. You pour yourself out and give yourself, and expect nothing in return. If you get any perks (like friendship) out of it, that's a bonus." I don't know how healthy that mindset is, but I usually hold to it. If people are unresponsive or rude or hard to deal with, I just remember that I'm doing my part, and continue to do so, regardless of how they act about it.

I'm not so sure that it's healthy though. Because I think of people this way, I think of them as fickle, and don't tend to trust people all that far. Maybe that's normal and healthy, but maybe not.

Crappy Authority

I've become pretty critical of authority. It comes from being raised with the knowledge that I need to always obey leadership, and also having been raised with good leadership. But now I've seen and been around enough to know that not all leadership is great. There is authority out there that does not know how to do things correctly, and doesn't always care to know.

When I begin to decide what ministries to work with as a medical missionary, I need to be careful. I want to be as useful as possible to help as many as possible.

Why I Will Become A Doctor

In church today, I realized a few things. One, that I can hardly talk to God without countless memories from a month in Uganda bubbling up in my mind, and two, that those have helped me decide why exactly I want to be a doctor.

I saw a lot while I was in Uganda. I saw enough that I hardly knew how to process it, and because we had discussions at team meetings most nights, I didn't care to write out how I felt, 'cause it had already been talked out.

But one definite thing came out of it. I saw a lot of bad healthcare. I saw so, SO many people put through SO much pain, and needlessly. Whether babies or young adults, countless people suffer every day over there, and not just from the average perils of a third world country, but from the medicine provided to treat the problems therein.

So during worship today, I couldn't get images out of my mind. From the doctor digging into a child's pelvic region with a syringe in an effort to find the femoral artery to obtain a blood sample (when they could have used the cannula, the IV thing, to get the blood) to the man whose head laceration had gone septic, and looked like hamburger meat, and yet the nursing student used nonsterile techniques in the most painful way possible to stitch up his head while he moaned in pain. The images make me cringe and shudder. I can't stand it.

And that's the reason I want to be a doctor. I had reasons before. I want to be as useful as possible. I want to bring as much practical help to people as I can while also bringing the message of the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. But I learned a new reason, the primary one: I want to stop needless suffering.

Images pop up all the time, and I can't get the things to stop playing in my head. I'd write more of them out here, but honestly, they're difficult to relive. A month in African hospitals will make that happen, I suppose.

Anyway, that was the main purpose of the trip, to find out why I want to be a doctor. If I become a doctor, I can fight for those people who wait at the mercy of untrained people who have been dulled to the pains of others. I can fight for them, and for their children, and for their parents and grandparents.

And that is also what will make me competitive in the field. I don't care about it for my sake. There are too many of them hurting for me to feel at ease where I'm at.

Just Push Through?

Being on a mission trip for four weeks rather than two may be tricky. I normally push myself the whole time so I can be as effective as possible, but am I gonna hit a wall soon? We've only done one day of ministry and one day of leisure (though rafting the Nile isn't the most leisurely activity), but I've ended every day completely exhausted. I suppose that constantly drinking water and hanging out with God are the keys to making this work, but I haven't even begun working in the hospitals yet! I've been battling a cold the whole time, which is usual when I travel, but I don't think I can afford to be sick for too much of the trip. I was sick for the second half of my trip to the Philippines last year, and I just pushed through, but I dunno whether my body can take all of it.

Lookin' At Pov'tree

I've been in Uganda since Wednesday now, though this is the first day that I haven't felt horribly jet-lagged. With ministry, at least the kind we're doing, each day drives you to your pillow (and to lean against the window in the bus to nap on the way back). Every day is exhaustion.

But it's also good. I'm seeing how these other students process the tough issues here. I never talked things out, at least not much, when I went on mission trips to Kenya. And when you're faced with poverty like this, you tend to either have to ignore it or try to find some way to come to terms with it. It's difficult, but I just stick to some mottos, one of which is "Do what you can, while you can." I'd tell more, but my eyes are trying to shut, and I kinda like the idea.

G'night and such.

Quiet Time On The Plane

May 22, 2012

Uganda trip

For some reason or other, I have felt off about this trip. The primary reason is, of course, the fear of performing medical practices in hospitals when I have yet to have received any training in such areas. Yet I could swear that that isn’t the only reason. But now,  with only five hours left until our plane arrives in Entebbe, Uganda, I have finally gathered that feeling, that drive, that something that pushes me onward. It goes beyond my issues with my dad being unable to see missions work as good use of my time (if I don’t make money, it isn’t worth doing, though he won’t say it in so many words and would likely deny it if put to the question).

I love the challenge of having to rely on sheer force of will and my outgoing personality. To throw myself into the work that others avoid, to leap into it with a willingness that I have only managed to muster by learning about the servanthood that defines leadership, and the examples (primarily that of my youth pastor) of such. To be asked to perform a task, even something that is entirely out of your comfort zone, and to leap into it immediately to the farthest extent of your abilities, rather than to hesitate and process the idea or wonder if there could possibly be another person or another way to accomplish the task.

And the chance to do something that’s purely good. I mean, what is more inherently good, religion at its purest, than going to visit a need and work to fulfill it (the book of James talks about that). When at school or work or play, or whatever endeavors I undertake, all is open to criticism. Not so with missions work. This, this is a faultless pursuit. It is the essence of selflessness, and because of the ministry involved, it is also the most trying. No more are you able to compartmentalize things, separate your public life and your private life, your work from your leisure. Every moment is a ministry opportunity, a test to make sure that you and Jesus are on good terms, and that you are sensitive to His Spirit. And if you are at first unprepared, distant with God, you are thrown into a learning curve, and must either live miserably in your emotions, spirit, and mind, or embrace the Christian faith and set about showing that faith through works. Even if that faith is shaken at first, works have a way of strengthening, like tying a stick to a plant to help it grow straight, despite the fact that its growth comes from the inside.

And then there are the bonuses. Exposed as your skillsets and lack thereof become, you begin to catch sight of precisely what it means to be depraved, and at the same time, the overpowering grace of our Lord who constantly offers to work within you to raise you to embrace the state we are meant to remain in, that of being coheirs with Christ. And when we can catch that, when we can recognize what He desires to do in us, and when we can, through His grace, manage to surrender the fears and the worries that so plague us, we enter into something new entirely.

Because God doesn’t need a perfect Christian. He desires a willing vessel, which is a much more difficult state to reach. Instead of being busy and trying and striving and working hard, it takes a balance of surrender that is surrounded by uncomfortable uncertainty that the world around us cannot accept. It takes clinging to the hope He promises us and a decided “no” to the hope we can perceive from what we see around us.

Abraham, the father of the Christian and Jewish faiths, was the first to find this careful balance. He began as most of us tend to, hearing God’s promise to make him the father of many nations, and believing, but then being persuaded by his wife and friends that such an idea was ridiculous. Because it was, with him being so old and yet having no son to be his heir.

In his doubt, he agreed with his wife who recommended that he have a child with his servant Hagar. Abraham wasn’t punished for this. Because of his actions done in disbelief (though not in disobedience), his servant Hagar and her/Abraham’s son were sent away, taking her from the provision of his household. In the big picture, Islam was created through Abraham’s son, Ishmael. Thus we have the Muslim and Christian faiths in conflict with one another today. When you have a difficult time believing God’s words and promises to you, and you act upon that unbelief, it may not seem to hurt anyone as far as you can see, but rest assured, acting in unbelief will have consequences, even if you don’t know/see it.

God later fulfilled His promise to Abraham and he bore his son Isaac, because His promise was not dependent upon Abraham’s actions; Christ is faithful regardless of whether we are. However, after God did this, he tested Abraham’s obedience.

In commanding Abraham to offer his son as a sacrifice, God was asking him to be willing to trust the Lord even when it would ruin everything the God had promised to do. (It should be noted that God didn’t tell Abraham to sacrifice his son. God told Abraham to offer his son as a sacrifice.)
Then Abraham did as God commanded and was about to slay his own son when God stopped Him. And his reward for being obedient to God’s will was that God not only reiterated His earlier promises of many nations coming from Abraham, but He also added that through him, all nations on earth would be blessed. This, as some New Testament passages point out, would be through the birth of Jesus.

Because of Abraham’s obedience, God allowed him to have one of his descendents be the Son of God. These rewards are real.

Attacks

Turns out that spiritual warfare is still a thing. And you're in it whether you decide to take notice or not. And it becomes much more noticeable when a bunch of lil' things happen that are detrimental to one traveling to a foreign third world country for a month. One such thing is your dad, who by this time has found a respect for you because you managed to show him respect through your obedience to God, declaring you to be ungrateful because you can't manage to mow his lawn while you've got another parent contending for that same chore at the same time.

So yeah, my dad was giving me issues, and frankly, it frustrates me because unlike any of my siblings (excluding Priscilla, my younger sister), I don't spend all my time drinking, getting high, and doing nothing with my life. Earlier in the week, my dad and I (and my brother invited himself to join us) spent half an hour arguing about my future plans to attend grad school before medical school. He called a few hours later to apologize though.

I can understand that he's frustrated, but I'm not wasting my life. I'm doing things, though I'm sure that I will never manage to do enough to equal his life of work ethic. Nor do I wish to, except in the mission field, which he doesn't have as much respect for, because it isn't a proper job. No job is a proper job unless you make money. And if you don't have a job, you aren't a fully-functioning adult.

It's just frustrating... And then (skip over this if gross things are gross, 'cause I don't even like attempting to spell the word), I had diarrhea tonight. I never get diarrhea. But man, I got up from reading and was doubled over from the pain of everything deciding to take the least convenient path through my body. While sitting in there, unable to read from the pain of it, I clued in to the fact that this was one of those spiritual attacks, that satan isn't very happy about my going to Uganda, despite how awful of a Christian I've been in preparations.

So if you happen to be reading this, pray for me.

Junior Year Reflections (Part 2)

Last semester, I asked God if I should go out with someone. This is the second time I’ve popped such a question on Him, and this time, He was significantly more soft-spoken in His answer, in that instead of an immediate and clear “NO” like he had given me in high school, He didn’t answer, or I couldn’t discern it, or whatever. But my train of thought was, “If He answered me with such a powerful ‘NO’ last time, maybe a lack of answer is a ‘yes’.” Fortunately, the situation worked itself up and before I had mustered the power to do any askings out, there was no need to ask; it was apparent that it was a no-go, in a good way.

That taught me an important lesson: just because there seem to be no red flags doesn’t mean that God is peachy about all of it. In fact, if God isn’t directing every step of the relationship, including getting into the relationship, it isn’t safe. I told my mom this opinion on it yesterday, and she said “Well, I tried that, and was married for 29 years, and now I’m divorced.” However, I didn’t spend the fall of my sophomore year confronting my parents’ divorce and the effects it had on me to be so easily swayed by one whose poor decisions in such areas has her in such a worse place now (still referring to my mom, in case you hadn’t guessed). It’s sad to come home and think to yourself, “man, she needs counseling” and also “remind me not to be a psychiatrist.”

I’m finding more and more that the only reason I haven’t dated is just because I have a lil’ wisdom about it. I know how much bad relationships have messed up my friends, made morals and standards change, and I also know how easily that happens to me without being in a committed relationship. People hurt people easily because people trust people, and, people being people, people aren’t trustworthy. I know I’m not, though I’m finding that now that I’m the best me I’ve yet known, I’m earning more trust than I’m comfortable with.

That brings up something else. I don’t know who I want to be. Sure, I wanna be a doctor, a medical missionary, a singer, a guitar player, a piano player, a videographer/video editor, a dancer, an actor, a model, and a myriad of other things, but there’s something bigger than that that I have no idea about: what kind of Christian do I want to be? What kind of Christian does God want me to be? I know He probably isn’t overjoyed at the super-Christian me since that version was judgmental without realizing it, but the Christian I am now occasionally enjoys slightly-excessive drinking and other worldly things that are just as full of satan, if not more. And I don’t know which version of me would be the best witness, or which one I could actually be long-term. I think it would depend largely on the wifey, what kind of upbringing she has. But then again, does God have an opinion on this? I figure this is kinda His thing. My magnetic personality is there regardless, and I always keep the best rep I can, but I dunno.

Over spring break, The Hunger Games movie came out, and since I respect books so much, I refused to see the movie till I had read the book. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get ahold of those books at the time (filthy peasant children hogged all the ones at the library). Instead, I took up a long-beloved series, The Wheel of Time series, by Robert Jordan (now deceased). I began reading and was reawakened to the wonder I had experienced as a 12-15-year-old. The series wasn’t finished when I had last read them, and the last book is only going to be released in January of next year, to be followed (according to IMDB) by the movie based on the first book. As all other fans of the books, I doubt whether they could do it justice, but I’ll yet
hold onto hope.

Oh, and I read the first of The Hunger Games books, but still haven't seen the movie.

Anyway, I took up these (the Wheel of Time series) books, and read them rather than watch shows while at school, which, as it turns out, makes for a much healthier study break. It also causes induced myopia, but that’s like the best way one can possibly destroy their vision, excluding getting a look at Jesus.

Junior Year Reflections Part 1

Sadly, I was not immune to the fever that tends to grip those who ascend to my age. When I was crowned the legal rights of being a 21-year-old, I began to drink, the reasons for doing so changing as I did so. At first, my reasoning was quite pure, forged through talking to my pastor about it, careful observation of friends and family, and my own Biblical gleanings. I love the taste of wine. In fact, I normally drank wine at my house in Texas, so it was not such a change. And when I traveled the world, I drank a fair amount there too.

But soon, feeling the effects of the drink came to supersede the priority that the taste of the drink had once held. And that rather typical way of thinking began to consume. When school began, I started to earnestly desire escape from it. In the midst of my studies, I would think to myself, "I just wanna drink away my troubles," somewhat sarcastically, but with such repetition that it began to bear truth. Though I never got drunk using this mindset, I did manage to essentially soil the reasons I had for drinking in the first place. I found friends whose house I could drink at, and had too much to drink many nights. This same group of guys would later gain a bad reputation for serving minors).

During the Thanksgiving Break of that semester (still in fall of 2011 for all of this), my youth pastor informed me that since by attending our school we had agreed to things like not drinking, refusal to abstain from such activities sounded an awful lot like rebellion. At that point, I began to feel convicted, and stopped drinking...WHOOPS, ONLY THE FORMER! In fact, I drank the very Sunday following that conversation, and became sick from it for the week after, and when my car broke down the week after that, I finally acquiesced to God's increasingly persuasive arguments.

And I became a lil' better after that, though the moment I got home from school, I drank, but it was covenant-friendly, so it was a'ight. Then God made it clear to me that drinking would continue to be a no-no indefinitely. And it cleared my head.

Now that I think about it, it had consumed me in a way not unlike the way God has in the past. Knowing that I could be consumed by such in that fashion (even a crush is better, since it's a person), is kind of a horrible thought.

So spring semester began, and with it, the greatest me I've ever yet known. Granted, it started out as most do, with me having no idea what the professor was talking about in the first day of the new semester of Organic Chemistry. SN1 reactions? E1? Carbocation intermediate? I slowly began to realize that this was not a class I could just work the normal amount for a given class and still pass. I knew too little.

As this was going on, my extensive notes on what I'd do for my JBU Talent Show host auditions burned a hole in my Evernote app in my newly-acquired iPhone (an entirely unexpected Christmas present, and among the greatest possible presents I could have expected, except perhaps for God telling me to skip school and join the mission field). In that first week of school, I discovered that they had used a different method from what they had done in years past, and had already selected the hosts of the Talent Show.

Fortunately, this turned out to be sort of a turning point for the semester. I had learned some contortionist dance moves for a mission trip to the Philippines last summer, so I figured it was time to put a solo act together. After all, if I wasn't going to host the Talent Show, I might as well attempt to compete in it.

So for the sake of dancing, I began working out. Auditions were a week away when I decided to put together a routine, so I spent the weekdays getting into shape, that weekend choreographing most of the routine with a friend, and finishing the choreographing and working out until the auditions on Tuesday evening. Even before the auditions, my friend who helped me choreograph (Tim Nickelson), in his efforts to help, directed it back to God, which is good, because I was all about just being entertaining. He had me explain just what my song of choice, "Symphonies" by Dan Black, actually meant to me, and I learned that it reflected a lot of what I felt. I didn't know why, but the song spoke volumes to me. Here is a portion of it.



"I come disguised I was hypnotized,
I wanted easy stuff to please me
Something in the dark began to squeeze me.
See me, there, then there in the mirror,
Totally focused, no hocus pocus,
Dare I give in to this thing gripping my skin,
To win, thinking how to

As the lights of the cars go by in the street,
Seems like I stand pretty much unseen,
But I open my eyes and beams
Come out.

Gimme, gimme symphonies
Gimme more than the life I see.
Scores rise up, angels play,
and the loneliness get blown away.

Gimme gimme symphonies,
Gimme more than the life I see."

The first two lines pretty much summarize the fall semester, just wanting to escape my troubles through the desire (and not even necessarily the action) to compromise my state of mind. But in the spring, something in the dark, something that I couldn't quite pinpoint, urged me towards discipline and being the best me I can be. I had had such desires before, but when I tried for it, it hadn't seemed to work since high school. But I examined myself (4th line), and decided to take the chance that God might make me into some semblance of what He wanted me to be, though I still had to figure out the rest of what that would require (lines 6-7).

The chorus represented a bit of a fear that I've acquired when I visit home. My brothers have settled into a way of life that, to be perfectly honest, manages to disgust me. It's a perversion of what they could be. My oldest brother is technically a genius, with near-photographic memory, making a 1460 on his SATs (that's out of 1600), and just a remarkable genius in everything he does. My other brother (also older) is creative. He used to build stuff constantly. Growing up, he would build great Lego creations and I would just play with them. He's as much of a genius, though more with hands-on stuff. If smarter existed, they'd both be higher on the scale than myself. Yet what do they do with their lives? One a college graduate (though it's been years and he hasn't bothered to pick up his degree) and the other a dropout, they spend all their time flying radio-controlled airplanes with cameras built-in, getting high, and playing computer games. They both stay up till 3:00-4:00 AM every night, work their jobs, then go right back to it, chugging energy drinks and destroying their bodies to keep it all up.

So I say, give me symphonies. Give me more than the life I see. 'Cause I can't stand the thought of settling for the life they live, the life that was fun to imagine as an ideal when we were young.

Anyway, God told me before the auditions that the Talent Show was only a means of providing a deadline, a reason to get to work on the dance routine, that in reality, I was working on the dance routine for the sake of future mission trips. So I was happy with my audition. And overjoyed when I found out a few days later that I was selected to be in the Talent Show. I kept stretching and working out and soon discovered that when I do such things, it kept me from being moody, the product of which was a lack of blogs (since most of my writing, good or bad, comes out of frustration). Somehow, being disciplined physically also carried to academics, and I began to prove to my Organic Chemistry professor that I was willing to do whatever it took to bring my grade up. And he told me that it would take me visiting his office as frequently as possible, showing up to class a little early (9:55 AM instead of 10:00 AM on the dot). And I did it. And unlike other students, I read ahead the nights before class as frequently as I could. I learned an enormous amount in a short amount of time. Granted, I still made bad grades on tests, but I was actually learning the most difficult subject of my undergraduate education, and some of my professor's love for the subject began to rub off on me.

I didn't place in the Talent Show, and though if there was any justice in the world, I shouldn't have been beaten out by Christian rap, it didn't matter, 'cause it really was just a deadline (though it helped that everyone agreed that I should have placed). Because of it, I was in shape. And unlike so many who deal with insecurity issues, I have no such trouble, so every time I worked out, it made me more than self-esteemy; it made me borderline vain.

...and that's all the time I have for now. Time to meet up with family for dinner. Thanks blogger. I hardly knew ye.



(Notes for me on the next part(s) of my reflections:
Prophecy rooms
Uganda
Last semester's crush that I almost asked out
Realizing how I've managed to have wisdom with dating
Not knowing what kind of Christian I'm destined to be, super or baptist
reading WoT books thanks to Hunger Games)

Why I Mission These Trips

I had a dream last night in which I talked to some guys, apparently strangers my age, and we were making smalltalk about our lives, so naturally I mentioned that I was going to Uganda, and what I'd be doing there.

One of them replied, "Man, that's one of those things you'd only do if God told you to." And in the dream, I thought he had made a good point.

I've never felt like this, actually avoiding thinking about it. I mean, I had an excuse before, with school and everything going on, but in a week and a half, I'll be in Africa. No excuses, only having whatever I've prepared in the meantime. Gah, I just need to sit back and face this stuff, considering that it is everything I want my life to be. Haha, and that is precisely what makes it so funny.

I love the challenge of all of it. Going there and actually having a chance to use my natural abilities to do God's work. During school and everything, that only gets to play a small role. I normally have to hone the abilities I wasn't born with and work really hard while everyone around me is discouraging. On a mission trip, I'm doing the only thing that I know is undeniably and purely good. It's hard work, physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and all those other -ally's, but it's encouraging throughout, and it's an amazing learning/teaching curve every time.

Ah, I feel better about it already. I just need to remember why I do it all, what makes this career choice the very best of all possible ones.

Apprehensive Thinking

I haven't really paused in awhile.

'Cause if I pause, I think.
Not that I dislike thinking, exactly...

It's just that when you know that God wants to use you a lot, and you haven't put in as much time as you should have, you can get a lil' apprehensive.
I often claim that I have a lot of experience traveling. Technically, I do, but I also have traveled with a thick padding of finances and plenty of planning by other people with more administrative prowess than I possess to guide my steps.

However, this trip to Uganda (and Europe)...

Prophetic Feeling In My Tumbly

So, the prophetic "bad feeling" I got on Monday came true pretty quickly. It consisted of my stomach clenching up for around 24 hours, and me having to drive off by myself to think/write things out. The couple was announced as a couple (through Facebook) during that time period, and they had broken up within a week of that first date.

Point is, I knew. Before they were even officially a couple, I knew that it wasn't okay. This prophetic stuff is recognizable, but I don't like having bad news for people. I suppose that that's the sort of thing that makes a man of character and a good friend, though. Giving the bad news as well as the good. Still, I find myself painting the bad news in the best possible light even when I'm not really supposed to.

Two Sides

The charismatic in me fights the other me for control when it comes to spiritual stuff. And stuff that doesn't have to be spiritual, but could be. I've hung around enough relatively normal baptisty types that I would prefer everything to be more simple, for the lil' feelings and nudgings I get to just be that, rather than the Holy Spirit trying to talk to me. Yet it remains, and when I go on mission trips, I cling to it. But when I'm not...

I just don't always know what to do with myself. I liked being a superChristian, but I'm pretty sure that no one else did. I like having high standards, working hard, and focusing on God, but I also like relating to people and not coming across as judgmental.

I just feel like pressure may not be on now, but I'll have to choose at some point just how committed I am to thinking one way or the other. Or maybe it's seasonal. Who knows?

How To Date

I have this take on Christian dating that doesn't tend to flow with the norm. I believe that if you're concentrated on God, He'll lead you to love a girl. And you may not even like her at first, 'cause you prefer God. But God leads you to her, and she's being lead similarly towards you, and you become a couple.

Maybe I'm crazy. I have these ideas of what dating is supposed to look like as a Christian, and I've seen remarkably few examples to give hope to such ideas. But I have seen examples, one of them being my wisest friend (when he isn't dating a crazy). Cameron told me about his unusual experience with dating, how he and his girlfriend had broken things off and said that they'd talk to God for a few weeks, then see if it was cool with Him if they got back together. Rather than focus on her, God kinda gave him his own private revival, to the point where he actually forgot about the relationship he was doing this for in the first place. Then God led Him to ask her out again, and He told her to do what Cameron said, and voila, Ashton and Cameron are my favorite couple, because somehow, they've managed to do things right.

It should also be noted that Cameron dated like any other kid before he was in this relationship, so it was out of the ordinary for him.

It's possible to do it right!

Lists

I have three lists hung up by my bed in my dorm. One is a list of things I want to do, and kinda have always wanted to do, things like "be a wine connoisseur" and "write books." The next one is a list of people and places to pray for, listing lots of places I've been and people I've been close to over the years. The last list is a list of spiritual endeavors, and it's the list that scares me the most. They come not only from what I'd like to become through Christ now, but things that I used to want to do, that I'd now feel more comfortable forgetting about. Things like "I want to experience revival in a pure and Biblical form," and "to see angels and demons."

I feel almost guilty putting the first list in any important place, yet if I focus on any of them more, it is most certainly that one. Because really, I'm always searching for escape from all that I am forced to attempt to accomplish while in college. A lot of the work done here has little purpose for what I am hoping to do with my life, but I suppose that that's precisely where faith must be used.

One thing I mean to add to a list is a motto I have to force myself to keep in mind to avoid assuming anything of anyone. "Be as much as you can for people, expecting nothing in return."

Able To Write

This is what happens when I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have time to write.

Don't worry, I probably won't feel like this for three weeks at least.

Lonesome Travels

The stankiest part of traveling is that it gets lonesome. Don't get me wrong; I love traveling the world every summer. I love that I've already visited so many countries, while lots of my friends haven't even been outside of the United States. But at the same time, I get to miss people. I see the wonders of the world and wish that I had someone special next to me to see it with. Half of my memories of San Marco square are with my mom and siblings as we discussed the impending divorce that happened the summer before last, and the other half are from studying abroad there, feeling oddly distant from the students around me, wishing and willing my good friends to join me there. Sure, you make friends with whoever you travel with, but nothing beats the people you see during the week and then on weekends, just 'cause you can't get enough of them.

Fortunately, mission trips aren't much like that. They're much more purposeful, and with such a focus on God, it drowns the other stuff out. And it always feels, more than anything else I've ever done, as if it's what I'm supposed to be doing. And to be honest, I usually feel kinda distant from God on mission trips. I tend to feel like it's harder to hear from Him in such a new environment, but when the need is great, it drives you to push on.

What's going to make this summer tricky is that I'll be spending four weeks on a mission trip in Uganda followed by one week of traveling in Europe. European travel might be as difficult in some ways as Uganda, 'cause while one will be fun and exciting and new, it won't have the same focus as the other.

Seasonal

People and life seem to be so seasonal. Makes you happy that God isn't.

More Useful Single

I talked to my youth pastor for what I assume was the last time before he and his family move to California to help plant a church. We talked about life and many facets of it, but one part of our conversation has been coming to mind. He was just talking about how he wouldn't have planned it this way, to be unemployed with a wife and three kids and move to California. I agreed with him, emphasizing the wife and children.

Then he reminded me of 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 where Paul talks about how it's much better to stay single. He said that without the family, he would be just fine with driving to California and sleeping under a bridge if that's what God said, but with the family, it changes everything.

And that's why I remain single. 'Cause for all my talk about how I'd be more useful in so many other places, as a missionary or whatever, I wouldn't be so useful without being single. The more I want to do for the Lord, the less outside myself and Him I should have to worry about. That means that I kinda need to remain single.

Apart from that, there's also the fact that I always consider myself to be too much of a work in progress, too unstable. I avoid thinking about asking God if I can date someone, 'cause I feel like it'd be much too easy for whatever good thing I'm in with God to become something seasonal, and I don't plan on letting a future girlfriend have to deal with a season Christian. That'd be the worst.

Good Friday Preceded By Crappy Monday-Thursday

I stressed out so much this week. I knew it was going to be a difficult week, despite not having classes on Friday, but it was really just horrible. I had a test in Physics that I had to study hard for, followed by Organic Chemistry lab, which was kicked off by a quiz that I did not know about, and therefore did not study for (not that I had time, with so much to do the night before). And that lab was a part of one of our finals, so it was independent, so none of us were anywhere near finished by the end of lab, despite the fact that a few, like me, stayed overtime as much as possible. And then I came back the day after to attempt to finish it, only to have my carefully purified chemicals fall into a beaker of water, thereby giving me hours more work to do. And after attempting a start on that, the whole procedure was thrown out because everyone's results came out wrong. And then I got a 75 on a poster that was supposed to be an easy A...

Every time one of these came up, I just felled like hope dropped from my hands and I let stress latch itself onto me.

It made me realize that despite what I've felt like throughout this semester, I'm nowhere near where I wanna be (which naturally drives me to write out my frustrations). If I can let stress get to me and not pass it on to God, I'm not where I need to be. I lose perspective. I mean, I start to just look at where I'm at, or the next few years, grad/med school, girls/girlfriends/wives, and then I get stuck at one of those places, or somewhere near. But really, it all belongs to God. I gave up life already, to Him. Regardless of what answers He has/hasn't given me, it doesn't really matter. To quote from one of my favorite Christian songs,

"It really doesn't matter if we make it or not
'Cause it's my delight
To sing all night
Till the sun comes up
Again and again and again and again.
Yes it's my delight
To share a flicker of your light
Just a ray of hope
To a friend, the end."

Not a lot of good Christian music out there, but I think that this manages to capture the essence of a good mindset for any follower of Christ. Honestly, it doesn't matter if I become a doctor, if I make it anywhere after this, if I die after typing these words, or don't manage to ever date a female. All that matters is Christ, and Him crucified and risen, and sharing that message. Hooray for Good Friday.

Don't Wanna Blog

Because blogging requires thinking and reflecting on life as it is, and I'm not sure I'm ready to remember what that entails at the moment.

PO

They're making movies out of my favorite book series next year. I am convinced that they could not do justice to the Wheel of Time series, so I am soops pissed. It's in pre-production, so I'll have to see how it pans out.

Nowabouts

Life might get tricky soon. (Don't worry, no girlfriend). With trying to pass classes this semester, going to Uganda, MCAT prep courses, and the MCAT test itself, I'm looking at quite a bit of practical soon-to-come things. But I also need to ask people and God, and make a decision on med school or grad school first. I mean, I've felt like God is leading me to grad school first... But at the same time, I don't wanna put all my eggs in one basket (or box, or bag even).

UPDATE: Books are still my best friend. I wish we'd hung out more over the years, and I'm really glad to have a chance to reconnect now, though school will take priority very, very soon.

Since I began to stay in shape, I've realized that I don't get all moody, that I'm either too busy or too tired to get frustrated and write blogs. Good writing, like any good plot in a story, is born in adversity and conflict. Sucks for the lack of people who read this blog.

Reading

Today, I picked up a short book.

I read the first ten or twenty pages.

And I loved it.

I was reminded of how much I miss reading.

Someday, I'll read again.

Almost To Spring Break

Okay, I feel like I never really stop anymore, and anytime I have time to do so, I watch a show or something, because thinking is something I am wanting to take a break from. In fact, I'd be playing video games if I had access or time for them, because those are the best/most relaxing way to occupy time while not thinking.

Between me and spring break, I have an Organic Chemistry test and a few small things. So really, I'll pretty much be finished in 32 1/2 hours, and the rest is easy. In fact, without that test, I would finish most work tomorrow, but studying and preparing for that test is going to take every bit of time that I have at my disposal. Even the time I'm using to write this.

I'll be celebrating St. Patty's Day in Tulsa with my friend Adam Howard (aka the band The Duke of Norfolk). We will be enjoying some whiskey and other delights that befit people of the ripe ages of 21+. The following day, I'll be traveling to Texas to drop by my house briefly, then our family's lakehouse, where we (a few select Texas friends and I) will watch the Twilight movies for the exclusive reason of making fun of them while drinking wine.

Then on Tuesday, I'll see some of my favorite bands in concert, Avalanche City and fun., both of which I've been wanting to see for quite some time. This will be the second concert I've ever attended, not counting lil' coffeeshop ones that I've been to.

Anyway, it's past time for me to be asleep, 'cause I've got a strict schedule until Friday.

The Need To Be Needed

This weekend, I really disliked how I acted. For the first time this semester (or at least it seems that way), I had a free Saturday. So what did I do? I did laundry and then watched cartoons all day. I finished two seasons of the Adult Swim cartoon Archer. And it was kinda like torture. I had no big homework assignments, nothing pressing at all. So I stopped acting disciplined and just slept in late and watched shows.

See, if I don't feel needed or useful, I get lazy. And while I used to love being lazy, I now dislike it when it's the selfish type of lazy. Being lazy with friends is fine, and unwinding with a few shows after a long day is also great. But just sitting there, laptop propped on my knees, munching away at Ritz crackers, meanwhile wishing I could have a reason to go out and do something? Not my cup o' tea.

So I suppose I'm realizing that I have kind of a need to be needed. If I don't feel useful or like my presence or help will make something better, I kinda get lazy, then kinda lonely, then a tad depressed. I also don't work out 'cause I don't know how to get myself to do so without a regular schedule.

I had a point...but now I'm tired and don't feel like trying to find it.

Also, I'm trying to learn French, but my mouth feels like a clumsy oaf when I stumble through the words.

Even Less Possible

There's the whole idea that when God gives you goals, dreams, and visions, they can often just be given so that you go through the right stuff before God leads you to what He really wants you to do. And then there's the whole idea that God means what He says, and that He'll never go back on His word.

Both have Biblical examples behind them. I don't, by any stretch of the imagination, claim to have any authority on the way prophecies work, but I have noticed some things. When someone gives me a Word from God and it's confirmed in my spirit (first saying something that God has already been speaking to me, then clarifying something in the present while giving a hint of the future), it tends to come true. My favorite ones are the ones that I can tell are the real deal, but that I have trouble accepting 'cause I do not believe that God can do what is entailed through me. But that's just 'cause I'm a lil' 'dupid and doubtful.

When God spoke to me through a prophet when I was the ripe age of 12, He said that I was going to be a doctor. That's the short version. The theme as he was prophesying that night was "inventors", drawing from the Biblical example of the guys that made a hole in the roof of a house so their friend could get healed by Jesus. It's about seeing things in an unusual way and making some new discovery as a result. He said that I was going to be a medical doctor, but that I was going to make a big breakthrough, a discovery, and that just like how penicillin was discovered on accident, I will discover something by strange means. And that I would do so at a young age.

I've honestly been fearful of the prophecy because unlike the road to being a doctor, which really just requires hard work, making a big discovery isn't something you can just work hard at and automatically obtain. It's a chance thing.

Me being a doctor is impossible. Me inventing something is exponentially less possible. So here I find myself, questioning the fact that I'm questioning such an idea.

"I release into you the power to invent!" -Kim Clement

Excitement To Come

I feel like I've been going nonstop for weeks now. This weekend is the first in which I won't have much planned. Lots of my friends are going out of town, so that will take away the usual social calls. I might have to work all weekend, but that depends entirely on how JBU's teams do in the tournament.

I have so many exciting plans for the future. And they are so exciting that I'm going to list the top ones here. In two and a half weeks, it's spring break, during which I'll be celebrating St. Patrick's Day in Tulsa, drinking wine with friends while making fun of the Twilight saga, seeing Avalanche City and fun. in concert, and talking with my youth pastor for one of the last (or possibly the last) times before he and his family move to California.

In May, some friends and I will begin leasing a flat. A house was in the works, but our pros-cons list ruled in favor of the flat by a longshot, so we are now pretty sure about it, and we'll be signing the lease a week from Friday.

Also in May, I will be going to Uganda to work in the second-biggest hospital in the country where I expect to be broken in and tested to see if I have the man-parts to make it in the field of medicine. This 4-week trip to Uganda will be followed by a week of covenant-friendly drinking in Europe. London, Paris, and Brussels are the cities of choice, and I don't think I've ever been this excited about traveling. I'll be going with a group of like six or seven, and walking tours and wine tours will probably be involved, along with meeting up with a British friend of mine.

Then I'll have a month and a half of trying to find odd jobs and possibly a family vacation to Spain.

I might be doing grad school before medical school, so to keep my options open, I'll be taking the GRE, then an MCAT prep course followed by the MCAT, and then it will be off to school again.

Saints Who Occasionally Sin

I went to the Men's Retreat the men's ministry at JBU holds each year. A lot of great, manly things happened, and manly bonding time and whatnot. But I also had to confront some sorta theological issues that I hadn't bothered to deal with in a long time, mostly 'cause my view on Christianity remains very distinctly different from that of other kiddos.

The first night, we talked about holiness. The thing is, people almost seem to check out when anyone mentions holiness, primarily because it seems like a bit of a far-fetched fairytale idea. And that's kinda strange, since Jesus does tell us, "Be holy as I am holy." I once heard Benny Perez, a pastor in Las Vegas, say "We're not sinners. We're saints who occasionally sin." As Christians, we aren't defined by our sinfulness; we're defined by our salvation. If we refer to ourselves as "sinners", it's like claiming to be an orphan when you have a family, or that you're unemployed when you have a job.

So when we talk about holiness, we need to recognize that it's a real thing that Christ has for us. The moment we step into His grace, we gain the ability to be holy in Him. Jesus didn't just die; He rose again. We're defined by that life in the resurrection.

Anyway, my positive outlook on Christianity tends to clash with others who focus more on the level Christ brought us from, since my view aims more at the level Christ has brought us to.

Break Up Friends

I tend to make good friends with female friends of mind after they and their boyfriends break up. It's not because I'm trying to be a rebound or anything. In fact, that's a trouble that I keep in mind to avoid. It's just easier to get to be good friends with someone when they have a huge boyfriend time gap in their life and you are willing to help make it go more enjoyably.

People also tend to have it in their heads that I'm not really looking to date, which is good, 'cause God hasn't given me a "yes" to dating in my 21+ years of being alive, and frankly, I wouldn't want a girl to have to deal with the me. Granted, I'm my favorite me right now, but I haven't been so for long, and with practical things like years and years of schooling ahead, it comes down to a no-no.

However, I love to be the excuse to help ladies deter other men's pursuits. I've been working that charm since 4th grade.

God is my focus, and until my focus on Him leads me to the lady of my dreams, tain't gonna happen. Sorry babes.

Reform

Someday, I'd like to reform education as a whole. It's been over a year since I read a book simply to enjoy it, and my persistence in taking classes just for the sake of learning something useful is only to my detriment as far as my major is concerned.

Discipline

Fun fact: I don't know how to unfollow people on here. So if you happen to be a bloggist who has to write something incredibly super-spiritual and poetic for every post, maybe tone it down or something, 'cause I have a hard time reading sappy stuff that just seems like Christianeze vomit. WHOOPS, am I allowed to say that?

I'm having trouble with discipline. Prepping for the Talent Show, I was having to work out most days of the week, and I ended up being really impressive with what I was able to do. But after it was done, I didn't wanna leave behind what I had gained. 'Cause really, I'm the most balanced I've been since, well, at least before college, but quite possibly ever. Working out just helps a guy become more stable. It also got me onto a more regular schedule, helped me to eat better, and basically just made me really disciplined overall.

And now the Talent Show is gone, and it's harder to have a reason to do it all. Granted, I imagine all the countless videos I watched full of impossibly flexible and muscular people doing all kinds of dances, and thinking that I might possibly be able to do something akin to that certainly helps me get fired up. But with no show, no performance, I have no deadline. I'm back to school. One of the only things really keeping me at it similarly to the past few weeks is force of habit, which can make me go to the gym after a 3-hour lab goes way overtime.

I guess it just comes back to thoughts of mission trips. After all, everything I'm learning at this school (despite what my professors think) is aimed towards that. I want to be able to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere with just a Bible and the Lord leading me, and be as useful as possible. The thing is, without a deadline, I waste time. Without a trip in mind, or with it off in the distance, I don't concentrate on dancing, working out, learning to juggle, or any other number of things that I really would love to focus on. Rather, Organic Chemistry, Physics, biology research, and the day-to-day troubles fill my head.

I need to remain disciplined. I know I can be, and that it's making me into who I want to be. The me I am when I'm disciplined is the me I've been wishing I could be, and I love it.

Christian vs Secular

The worst thing our Christian culture has done to us is to separate "Christian" and "secular", giving Christians permission to decide between two faces to wear. It allows us to occasionally live a life other than the one we were called to.

Back in the olden days, Jewish people saw their faith as a part of their race. Being God's chosen people was in their blood. In fact, I suppose they still tend to think that way. Most Christians, being gentiles and generally of all sorts of races and cultures, tend to think of the faith being an add-on to who they are, when really, Christ should be at the dead center of who we are.

I only say this because when I think about traveling and mission trips, I think either in terms of "secular" or "Christian." I'm either on a mission trip or I'm just traveling/vacationing. It was never meant to be that way. Ever. I should be going to Uganda this summer, then traveling Europe, doing both as a Christian, not because that's why I'm there, but because that's who I am.

Don't choose between secular and Christian mindsets, 'cause "secular" isn't a mindset a Christian should be able to have.

Talent Show

I didn't place, but everyone had great acts. I felt like I got jipped from getting beat by one of the rapping crews, 'cause really. Really.

Anyway, God and I had talked it over many times before, and He assured me that it didn't matter if I won anything here. The important thing was that I had a deadline, so I could put the whole show together for future mission trips. After all, that's what all of this is for, to spread the gospel.

And now I am incredibly exhausted.

The Talent Show Draws Really Freakin' Nigh

Well, the JBU Talent Show is in a few hours and I'm excited. I think this is the most well-rehearsed I've ever been for a live performance (of any kind), which is nice, 'cause most of it is muscle-memory, and I can focus on making a few lil' parts better. So, I'm basically as good as I should have been for every live performance prior to this one.

My act is titled "LondonSmith.com Presents Symphonies", so although I hope to place in the competition, I'm also really looking forward to having a few people take a look at my video blog and Twitter ('cause who doesn't want more Twitter followers?).

This will probably be a day where I don't stop feeling stage fright, so I'm thinking that naptime might calm my nerves a lil'.

Valentine's Day

Submitting it all to God makes all of it a lot simpler, so I don't have as much to write about. Also, working nonstop with no time to write also affects the whole writing process.

Valentine's Day was a success. I made a lot of single ladies feel good, which more than makes up for the fact that I received no Valentines. Working for eight hours on origami Valentines is tough, but people are so thankful and happy for it. I made people feel special on a day that could easily be crappy, and that is exactly what makes me love Valentine's Day.

This Semester

This semester has been the best and most rewarding by far. Grades aren't perfect, but they're climbing, and I'm being disciplined enough to make it happen.

And Talent Show is this Saturday!

Just A Heads-Up

Submitting everything to God works. It's just hard to get used to again.

Hope In Practical Terms

Hope doesn't always work the way you wish it does. I have a hope that I will pass Organic Chemistry, yet I slept through two classes this week, with a test coming up on Monday. I was about to be upset with God, 'cause I know it wasn't my fault that my phone was on silent this morning. But then I remembered that we're supposed to rejoice when crap happens. So I did.

And now, though I'm pretty positive I'm going to fail Monday's test, I now know that my naptime period in the mornings that I worked into my schedule is now going to be an O Chem period.

Something That Doesn't Work

Being driven by frustrations rather than positive things.

Confidence

Confidence is just knowing who you are in Christ. Figure that out and you'll be peachy.

An Extreme Mean

Aristotle talks about this concept of the Golden Mean, in which each person has their perfect state of balance.

I've realized that with regard to my Christianity, my perfect balance is an extreme. I've found it to be true with lots of missionaries. Whenever you have the mindset that every person you encounter could very well go to hell if you don't share Christ with them, it changes things.

And it's not like a desperation to fill a quota; it's this idea where you think, "my action or inaction is the very thing that could end up defining this person's eternal state."

Everything Revolving Around Him

One of my best friends from home, Cameron, called me today. He told me how God orchestrated his getting back together with his girlfriend. Of course, when I say it like that, it doesn't do it justice to any extent. God kinda just took him and changed his focus to be on Him, and that's what made everything happen.

Because I've grown up in the church all my life, I've developed a view towards "super Christians." I tend to view them as people who are cheesy, who overdo it and make Christianity weird. And I didn't like the negative effects it had on me in high school, how I became a tad judgmental. My faith was the only thing that ever gave me reason to get mad at people (when I saw people being led astray, I got pissed).

But even last night, before that call, I was daydreaming about Uganda and Europe, and all I could think of was what exactly I'd be saying if a Ugandan held a gun to my head and commanded me to deny my faith. I didn't think of street ministry, of working in the hospitals, or of being a street performer in Europe afterwards. I just thought of being confronted with martyrdom, and really checking myself.

The overarching reason for me being where I am in school and life is not from any desire I just came up with. It's been led by God. Yet in daily life, I hadn't allowed that to be reflected. In an effort to avoid confronting issues that God wanted to work out in me, I would preoccupy my thought processes with crushes instead. Rather than being the person in high school I liked (myself), I became like those people I disliked, the ones that never got over their issues.

But Christ should be the center of everything. EVERYTHING should revolve around Him. Drinking, hanging out with friends, crushes, shows and movies you watch, events, social networks. Everything. Because if He isn't constantly the focus, those things can sneakily become sin rather than just a passtime.

I suppose it took a friend having the whole focusing-on-God-bringing-him-into-a-good-and-healthy-relationship for me to believe it again, that it can just be a God thing. That I'm not crazy for not asking girls out just 'cause God isn't the focus and reason for it.

Big Plans

I spent a week working on my dance routine for the talent show last week. That included working out (I gained like eight pounds over the course of a few days), choreographing, and trying to be disciplined with school too. I love doing things like this. Being creative, being forced to plan my time wisely, and preparing for my mission trip to Uganda.

After my four weeks in Uganda, I'm going to Europe for a full seven days, basically like a long layover, which means I must begin and end in Brussels, Belgium. London and Paris are looking like big potential cities to visit, the latter of which is the city I've most wanted to visit all my life. Especially since Paris is having a huge music festival on June 21st, which is totes when I could very well be hopping by.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I MADE IT INTO THE TALENT SHOW! I'm terribly excited, though I'm also pretty intimidated, 'cause I'm a one-man show. It took like two hours after the audition for my stomach to stop clenching up from stage fright. Anyway, it's time to sleep, 'cause I have dance training in 7 1/2 hours.

Oh, and my family is coming. Well, not my whole family, but at least one parent and a few siblings. They've never had an occasion big enough to be worth coming to visit me. But now I'm proud enough of my act in the Talent Show that I've invited them to come for Family Weekend at JBU. And if you would like to see my act, be in Siloam Springs, Arkansas, on February 18, and hop by John Brown University.