Some Reflections

Transition is tough. Sometimes easier, sometimes harder. The willingness to admit that you’re going through transition and focus on The Lord throughout is kinda the only way to do it well.

This last semester was tough, possibly the toughest I’ve had in a lot of ways. I learned what it’s like to be outside of a formal education, and how much it SUCKS. When you’re in school, it’s okay to forget things, ‘cause you’re replacing it with knowledge from your next classes. When you go without a formal education, even independent study, you feel trapped. Your knowledge is leaving and you want to take hold of it, to study or do something else to remedy the problem, but it’s like grasping at water as it’s pouring through your hands.

After the stress of studying for and taking the MCAT, I didn’t wanna learn things for awhile. MCAT prep was replaced with a mission trip to South America, which was immediately followed by working at a neurologist’s office, which has become a love/hate ordeal. The commute is awful (at least three hours of my day is given to it), but the work is fulfilling, and I occasionally get to shadow the doctor, which makes it worthwhile. Still, I was only able to really enjoy it when I was working three days a week rather than five. Soon I will change back to part time, and after a little longer, I will likely be leaving all of it to backpack through Europe.

Some developments since I graduated include my eye twitches. My right upper eyelid began twitching from stress when I was studying for the MCAT. Now it is easily triggered. Another development was my acceptance into a medical school. I hope to be accepted into more, but I don’t find that out for a month.

The most difficult thing in all of it has been the pretty immediate switch from having friends that I hang out with all the time to never seeing them except when I visit Arkansas. I managed to find friends at JBU that made me not only feel happier by being around them, but also better as a human. This is uncommon. Some of my old friends make me feel worse when I’m around them. I know that leaving friends behind is kinda the nature of a lot of my life, that I keep moving on in order to grow, but it hasn’t gotten any easier. As I write this, I have just finished saying a lot of goodbyes to my newly-graduated friends, some of whom I don’t know whether I’ll see even within the next year (which effectively means that I probably won’t see them for another three to five years, if not longer). This has been the least stressful time in a long while, just sitting in the local coffee shop and writing, while also not having to be back in Texas until Monday evening (and that’s only for a wine pairing dinner). Not planning too much, not having plans at all. It just sounds ideal. Like a sneak-peek of my time in Europe.

My hope is that like many fall semesters, this one will be followed by a more pleasant spring. Ideally, I should be sad to leave my current world behind to travel. Lately, I’ve been wanting it as an escape in addition to an opportunity to better myself. The idea of an escape is kinda foolish to me, since I should be loving every aspect of everything I’m doing.

Feelin' Dat Lack

I've been lacking lately. That interview on Monday woke me up to that quite a bit. I got this job to impress med schools, but it isn't entirely doing the trick. I didn't have a proper vacation this summer, just studied, mission tripped, then started work. One important aspect of those study abroad trips, my leaving the country like that, is that among all the art and history, I'm usually forced to do some reflecting, some learning about myself as I learn of the world around me. For the past month or two, perhaps longer, my scope of the world has been limited to work, family, and weekends in Dallas. Since I've been working full-time, I also haven't been meeting with my pastor for coffee/lunch, nor do I attend church as much. I feel that lack as well. That interview reminded me that this current life looks as bad as it feels, at least if I keep it up long-term.

I still read my Bible, I still pray every day on the way to work, but I am looking forward to the challenge of having plenty of time and disciplining myself to use it well.

Could Get Sticky

I have an interview with another Caribbean med school, American University of the Caribbean. It's next week on Thursday, though they were supposed to email further details today. The one that I was accepted into already, Medical University of the Americas, wants a letter of intent ("Your school is the one I choose") and a $250 housing deposit by the 20th, which leaves me in a weird place. I like having the safety net of this school, but I'm obviously going to want to go for a better school (especially if a Texas school offers an interview) if the opportunity presents itself. My dad's opinion was that $250 is a drop in the bucket compared to my upcoming tuition costs, and a letter of intent isn't binding, so if I can't postpone their deadline for it, I should just send what they want so I have a place to go if the other schools don't accept me.

The main fear is, naturally, that I won't have a place to go next year, and by the time I find that out, I will be late to applying to other programs. Then again, I don't want to appear dishonest. However, after reading this thread http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/are-letters-of-intent-binding.98868/ and considering that this is a requested letter of intent, not voluntary, I'm feeling okay about my prospects.

Rough Stuff

I had my med school interview today, and it kinda sucked. I was fine at first. I kinda laid out what led me to my desire to be a doctor, explained bad grades and why my grades improved, and it seemed nice. Then the interviewer would not stop bringing up those bad grades and my subpar MCAT scores. It was quite frustrating because my understanding is that these interviews are meant to get to know me as a person, since they already have transcripts and such. What's more, the interviewer also informed me that she had not looked at my recommendation letters yet. Her summary at the end was basically that I sounded like a really good fit for the school, but I still had poor grades. However, after a frustrated nap and some googling, I found that I was not the only one put through the ringer in the interview, and that it's still essentially a toss-up whether I'll get in.