Uggggghhhhhhh

I ended the week angry-sad-frustrated. I was so content when I was learning at a fast pace earlier in the semester. In fact, if I was honest with myself, I didn't really even want to die. But failing when you put everything into something, well, that leads to the age-old feeling... If I'm ever trying to destress, I imagine being shot in the head. I know it's not a thing that I would do, but it's still an immediate happy place that I can daydream to. It sounds bad, I guess... So imagine always feeling that way with rare exceptions, and then finally not feeling that way. And then failing at what took away the feeling. So that's where I am.

I'm over the acute depression from it all. I can think and study now, but it's still awful. My thoughts are impure and I feel distant from people. I have a support group at home but texts only do so much. Skype is nice, but once again, I'm just so distant... I make friends here but there's no significant foundation. The longest I've known anyone here is six months. You can't know someone well at all in that much time. I have a friend that I've been getting to know this semester, and he blew up at me for telling him that he dealt with a situation in the wrong way. Nobody reacts to me that way because I make every effort to be reasonable, but now I know that he's that way.

I live alone. I feel alone a lot. Studies comfort me except when they fill me with hopelessness and dread. Friends comfort me except when they're 1200 miles away. Wishing for the ability to fly so that I could just go visit them. But no, I have to wait till August to see friends.

I'm becoming a worse person right now because that's easier, and because being a better person seems to do nothing for anyone right now. It feels like a waste, like being overqualified for a job and then scolded for everything you do. I have been keeping up with my Bible reading though.

The bright side to any of it is that I've been hitting the gym as often as I'm supposed to now, so my 6-pack is back. Trying to increase serotonin levels with that and by working in bright lights. And maybe I'll reintroduce nightcaps.