There's Always Hope

I tend to try to ignore my parents' divorce and the effect it has had on my family. Oh sure, I was all involved at first, and spent a semester dealing with it in myself, but it's been two years, and I really just tend to distance myself.

I've tried to help some. I give advice, especially to my mom, but whenever my advice is "tell everyone that no drugs are allowed in the house" and "bring God into that situation," she reveals the insecurity that comes from something as shattering as a divorce, and she can't bring herself to do much of anything, for herself or anyone, except to frequently go on dates and to find comfort in the smaller things in life.

As a result, my youngest sister began her downward spiral at school, and my other sister was put under enormous pressure to be strong for my mom, while she was also engaging in sibling rivalry with the youngest sister, who was spoiled. Youngest sister started drinking at an age when I still thought drunkenness to be for those who have fallen away from the faith. She dropped cheerleading, which had been her life, and just endeavored to hang out with popular crowds, all the while ruining her grades and reputation until she was finally put in alternative school. She graduated from there, which meant that she would not be allowed to attend a four-year college until she had completed two years of community college.

I had hoped that my oldest brother would pick up the slack on holding things together, but though his advice was sometimes sound, he was also smoking weed, drinking, and generally wasting his time with video games and RC planes. He still is, for the most part. My other brother was the same, except that his love for marijuana was generally well-known.
And my mom gave both of them permission to smoke in the house because she'd "rather let them be caught here than get caught somewhere else and then go to jail."

My mom was the one who had pushed for the divorce. My dad had acquiesced. If there's one thing she stands by, it's that life is better now that they are divorced. My dad has seemed more stable, but with my youngest sister as the only real dependent in the house, (since the rest of us work or, in my case, travel or are at college) he spoiled her, and she abused privileges.

My youngest sister also got a bad boyfriend, who, my sister would later tell me, was preferable to our youngest sister. He told my mom that she was a bad mom. I got mad. Alexandra was going through her teenage rebellion phase, so she wouldn't answer to anyone.


I find it hard to think about all of this. Especially 'cause the main message that God has been working on me both for me to learn from and to preach from is about hope. You have hope in something, whether it be God or the weekend or your next paycheck. Yet with my family, I certainly don't see hope for remarriage. I don't really see hope for parents smarting up and living like the Christian family they were three years ago, before I left for college. All I could do by being a strong Christian in high school was delay the inevitable with my parents.

And now, even if I was at home, I'm not as strong of a Christian as I was before. I'm just not. I've been shaken and rattled, and am hardly ever involved in ministry. Since I'm not at home, and I'm not as strong of a Christian, and I question my morality and identity, and fall prey to the countless insecurities that come with spreading yourself thin, it's hard for me to see hope for my family. I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO KINDA USED TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, AND NOW THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE CRAPPY MATURED VERSION OF THAT!

And yet, against all apparent perceivable realities that could possibly happen, Abraham believed in the hope of the promise given to him by God. He had hope in something much more impossible than the healing of the brokenness that is my family, or my chances of becoming a doctor and also discovering a scientific breakthrough. He could not have children, but God promised him that he would, so he did.

There's always hope. It's just difficult to look at it through all the junk.