Maybe Possibly Kind Of A Lil' Stressed

As I've looked at graduate programs, I thought I had found the perfect one. I mean, a year-long program that would give me a masters degree and specifically prepare me for medical school? THE BEST! Except that it requires an MCAT score, not a GRE. I have yet to take the former.

I keep on stressing about it, and about the field experience journals that I've waited all semester to get a grade on. I just hope I don't fail it. I really hope I don't fail it. 'Cause then I'll have to do field experience next semester (with a considerably lowered GPA).

I'm beginning to stress, which is something I'm not allowed to do, because I don't own stress. It belongs to The Lord, and me stressing is me stealing it from Him. Unfortunately though, my reflexes with regard to spiritual upkeep aren't what they once were. I am not what I once were (intentionally bad grammar).

I keep just reading my books. I need to tone it down. Because really, it keeps me up late and my spare time occupied, so that I don't make time for much school nor for much reflection. Growth happens in reflection, and since I haven't done much reflecting this semester, I haven't grown much.

In fact, this semester, I became "productive", a term I hate people using to describe their days/weeks. Factories are productive. People aren't factories. But I kinda have been this semester, just churning out assignments and memorizing things, keeping myself emotionally stable only through working out, and hardly pausing to just be, which was once a favorite activity. As I said frequently when I visited home over Thanksgiving, I feel like the right side of my brain has shrunk due to lack of stimulation.

I haven't been intentional with relationships much at all. I've just convinced myself that I can make it without all that, whereas I used to always check myself and ask myself "If you can't make time for people, what's it all for?"

I'm not my favorite me. I feel like I have many years until I get to be so. On the mission field, I make sense. Apart from there. I'm like one of those puzzle pieces that you have to use a hammer to make fit.