Stumbling Block

Lately, I've been thinking about what a bad influence I can be. The only thing that really scares me, that stops me in my tracks, that kinda haunts me, is the possibility of being a stumbling block, or of holding someone back. I've never dated. The primary reason is because God has never given the green light for it. In truth, I don't believe that I can do a relationship right to any real degree without God being an intimate part of it.

Unfortunately, that leads me to actually fear relationships. Not just with dating, but with any close friends. I'm too much of a people-pleaser to do things the way I should, so despite my intense love for God, I am afraid that I will lead people astray simply because I cannot say the difficult things that must be said. Or do the difficult things that must be done.

I don't think this for no reason. I have been a stumbling block before, and it weighed on me more heavily than most any other thing has. I want to be a force for good in the world, to shine the light of Christ, to become a doctor and bring healing to people, and to make people laugh. But when it gets personal, I am afraid of myself and my inability, my lack of will, to put God's commands before the people I become close to, even though those commands will only bring good in the long (and often the short) run.

These have been dark thoughts. I know that most of the influence I tend to have is good, but if I push anyone in the opposite direction, I cannot bear the weight of it.

Ran into this quote on Tumblr ('cause I do every social network, of course), and maybe it applies.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

—

Carl Jung