Waiting Amidst Honesty

Had a few episodes yesterday in which I felt kind of anxiety attacky, so here I am at a coffee shop to write out my current feelings and frustrations (the type of therapy that I can financially afford). No music is playing on the speakers, which seems strange to me.

It has been over two weeks and I still have not yet heard back from my old manager. Maybe I will call again today. In the meantime, I have been job hunting online. The nature of my education unfortunately leaned heavily toward an in-person experience, whereas the job I want would be remote and part-time, due largely to the fact that I would like to begin acting again.

This brings me to the odd confrontation within myself. Many people will say to do what makes you happy, that if you do what you love, you will never work another day in your life. Most doctors do not seem happy. This path is one of self-sacrifice and then an attempt to make enough money to compensate for the miserable nobility that comes with it. That being said, it is an incredibly fulfilling career. Deep fulfillment and happiness are not always in the same spectrum. So I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could make an attempt at choosing happiness. Happiness would be to apply myself toward acting, whereas fulfillment would ultimately lay within the confines of completing a residency and then throwing myself into missionary work, helping the less fortunate.

If my old manager responds by saying that I would be a poor candidate for trying the acting thing, then I will likely turn to the role of a clinical liaison. This will likely provide for me a meager helping of fulfillment, since I will at least be using my doctorate to get people some help, and happiness, because it will presumably pay enough for me to fund some of my creative pursuits. But those positions tend to be full-time, which would keep me from the availability that I would want for auditions.

As another option, I can reach out to the plastic surgeon I know, who is doing more filming and production work. And I have the excuse of a number of bottles of scotch for us to sample. I plan to reach out to him regardless, but I wanted to hear back from my old manager first so that I could know my options.

The thing is, I am only going to be this young for so long. I look good in face and body, and that will not last. I gave up my twenties for an education, but maybe I can do something else in my thirties before time runs out. My mind will be similarly capable of doing medicine in a decade, but the rest of me may not be able to act or model.