Heard Back

I finally heard back from my old acting manager. Diversity is a significant enough emphasis currently that they do not think that they can get me much work, but they did say that that could change in six months. Knowing is certainly better than not knowing, but I could not help feeling crestfallen over the news. That, coupled with the hesitant realization that I may not be able to get paid as much as I would like for the jobs to which I am applying, had me up all night with anxiety over what feels like two lost dreams of acting and of practicing medicine. Did I give up my 20s for nothing? What is an education like this even worth if I get stuck at this point in the process? Part of the issue is that even as I apply for jobs like clinical liaison, I do not know if I will even like it. I am sure that I can be good at it, but I did not earn a doctorate just to end up with a job that I dislike.

Medicine is a system that beats you down over and over, and you just hope that you are naturally going to have the stamina to keep pushing on through those beatings until you are able to practice medicine in your preferred setting. Thus far, I have failed in this endeavor. I acquired a title and a resentment toward this broken system coupled with an increasing desire to leave it for something else.

Happiness was never the object, but years of giving up my happiness for the sake of some future patient's health does take its toll. It makes me want so much to just perform, to do what gives me a natural high while feeling like I am honing my craft. But to give credit where it is due, I felt a lot of that same sort of feeling when I wrote and performed that lecture series. It was months of preparation that culminated in an intense week of writing, revising, and performing. If such a thing were paid appropriately, it would potentially be a pretty decently fulfilling long-term gig. But it paid poorly.

I suppose that the important thing for me to do, once again, is to come to terms with my current reality. I was hoping to make six figures, but maybe it is more realistic to assume closer to $80k or $60k. The cost of living is going up, so anything less than $60k would not allow me to spend with any real frivolity, much less build up a nest egg of savings. I need a new laptop. And eye surgery. And to travel the world. And to perform. And invest in the podcast.

So for now, I will have to continue to judge and debate within myself what I am worth. If a job is cushy enough, maybe a lower salary would be fine. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my karaoke and, soon, my standup comedy skills.