Yesterday, I was hit by the memory of doing some of my weird body tricks with kiddos in some rural parts of developing nations. It was sad because I realize that if I give up on the dream of being a medical missionary, that aspect of my skillset would be used less frequently. But I need to hear the advice that I have given to others, that that dream is not necessarily dead; it is put away for now. Some people do not practice medicine until they are middle-aged.
It is just scary for the moment because I find myself with limited funds, which of course gives me a sort of deadline. If the comedy show does happen, I will presumably be okay in the short term, and perhaps also in the long term. If the comedy show does not happen, I will have to go back to writing my comedy routine to enter it into festivals and competitions. But in that case, money will likely run out and I will have to simultaneously attempt to find work.
When I graduated from college almost a decade ago, I told myself that with my newfound time and freedom, I would get back to reading and writing for fun, and to study and work on improving and expanding my dance routine. But then I got caught up with studying for the MCAT, and then with work, and then with trying to prepare myself for medical school. Then after graduating, I still felt singularly focused on trying to pass that Step 2 exam, which in my mind required an exclusion of other pursuits. However, I recently opened up my YouTube account that is filled with dancing video recommendations. And I am once again studying dance moves that I would like to try to incorporate into some sort of a routine. For the comedy things, I am having to dig back into my more free-feeling self, the version of me in college that dealt with social anxiety by being so quirky that it gave people around me some degree of anxiety. That version of myself has barely had a chance to breathe since I committed so hard to this medical professional character, but what if it could have another chance?
People talk about doing what makes them happy. I have never believed in this as a goal. Happiness is fleeting and only one doctor I know sounded genuinely happy about his job. Yet when I did that teaching job, I was genuinely about as happy and fulfilled as I know how to be with a piece of work. I had some guidance, but also a lot of creative control, a great many chances to make it my own in an engaging manner. The months of preparation were terrible, but the week of performing, writing, and editing on repeat every day was incredibly satisfying on a number of levels. After all, what other doctors would incorporate sketches into a lecture series? All that to say that if I cannot practice medicine, I might as well attempt to find that feeling again. The more of my talents and skill that are put to use, the better I feel.
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