Tried Standup. Frustrated.

I finally tried performing standup. I got laughs, but mostly at my least favorite jokes. When I asked for feedback from the comic who has been helping me learn to write standup, he informed me that the average standup audience requires far more honesty than the little bit that I included in my set. This has been a significant struggle with me from the beginning because when I write, I typically write to what I would want to see and hear, and honesty does not make my list of desired traits in a performance. This is of course why I had little interest in standup prior to four months ago, when I viewed it as a means to skip steps in becoming famous in comedy.

Regarding the actual performance, it had been awhile since I had been on stage reciting memorized material. That coupled with the fact that I had no opportunity to rehearse with the equipment available made my delivery worse than it might otherwise have been. That being said, I did fine, and it taught me that I do not need to do the usual standup comic thing of going on stage a million times before I know what works (or to get used to the stage in general). I can write funny material before going up. My big struggle is the willingness to write standup jokes with real honesty. That being said, when I was struggling with the anger of a lackluster job situation and seeing no path forward with the comedy, those vexed thoughts were interrupted by more honest joke ideas.

I spent so much time in med school normalizing myself because that is what brings patients comfort in the midst of difficult times. And my hope regarding standup comedy was that I can be more of what I view as an authentic version of myself, but since my authenticity is absurd, that translates to an absurdist rather than authentic form of comedy.

The writing is a rewarding process in itself, but I still want to find a way to make a profit off of this stuff! This week, I should at least get some data regarding my investments. The CEO certainly made it sound like recent moves should change the game, but we will just have to see.

In six days, I have plans to see my somewhat famous standup buddy. She has expressed some similar ideas regarding what she would want to do with her act, and she has also performed a successful one-person show before, which was well-received. So maybe she will have insights.

I am still frustrated. The angry thoughts are still here. The only jobs I can think to try for without feeling like I am compromising myself do not want me, and the others are sales jobs that do not pay as well and, frankly, also do not want me. My friends without degrees are making more money than I can hope to when I start, and a part of me also does not want to start a salary job because if the previously-mentioned investment does pay off in the short term, then I will be quitting. And I commit hard to my work, so I feel compromised in knowing how temperamental such a commitment could be. But then again, maybe that is a stupid feeling since I am betting on a black swan event with my investments.

Looking forward, I remain too poor to make it in either medicine or comedy. I need to write more, not only for the practice, but also because that is what I can afford to show for my time and talent while on a budget.