Time to Breathe & Come to Senses

From a snowy day in Inverness to a day of Irish coffee, to a look around secondhand shops followed by a climb over Holyrood Park to the oldest pub in Edinburgh, the Sheep Heid Inn, from bus routes awry hiking back through cold and rain to a revisit to a pub crawl that seemed designed to make me feel world's older than when I had last undertaken it, to dreams of these thoughts and feelings, to today's late start in a walk to a museum and now to a coffee shop, the trip has been active.

Going back to last night's pub crawl, which we left early, and the dreams that followed... I had such distinct aged feelings. Others on the pub crawl were still youthful enough to have more significant acne struggles, whereas I have had time to slowly earn my doctorate and sit on it for years. The last pub that we made it to carded them, but waved me on. I recognize that the age for that here is 18, but I am used to being carded a decent amount of the time. Once again, age. Asked what I do. Well, I do not practice medicine...

I started to feel as if I was getting enough escape out of this trip that I wanted more stability. With a decent non-clinical medical job, many of my immediate problems could be solved. I can still put together a reel for the acting stuff, but I much of my desires there arise from the idea that I believe that I still have much talent in that arena. But talent does not need to override learned skills and knowledge. A more permanent change of scenery is of significant import, and this can be more likely afforded by the medical work. Imagine a place of my own and a job in which I contribute in a tangible way to a real good thing.

Of course, if the meme stocks shoot up in value within the next week or two, my plans may be forced to change in a way that more thoroughly accommodates my yearnings. But just like getting back into acting, such a prospect is not a stable reliability.

Update: Visited that cheap pub again, but instead of hanging out afterwards, I went to take a couple hours of nap time. And then finally, I found karaoke. Hosted by a human who appeared to be trans female, but may have just been an enthusiastic cross-dresser, it was a fun night beginning with a small crowd and a chance to practice scarier songs, then followed by bigger groups that actively participated.

I feel out of place for being older, but I also remember similar feelings as a younger gent. Perhaps I need to have some grace for myself as someone who will, at all years of life, continue to suffer from the human condition. And this may be a symptom of that condition.

I found myself thinking tonight about how the LGBTQ folks feel out of place. As a white cis straight person, I still manage to feel like a big stretch from what I am supposed to be feeling at a given time. But if I was born or raised some other way? Those sorts of feelings would have been exaggerated further and at a much earlier time. So despite how much I do like those folks, I am glad that I am of a different variety. Because life is hard regardless, and 'tis better to approach it on easy mode.

I am still leaning more toward doing a normal job, as opposed to pursuing the world of entertainment. Dr. Ken Jeong did not quit his real job until the opportunities were abounding, and that seems a decent methodology. That being said, he also lived in a part of the country where auditions were plentiful. But maybe I will find some zoom ones.