Post Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day came and departed. I am facing the unfortunate consequences of having allowed myself to become enamored with someone in the past, namely the sadness that comes with both desiring them again and also knowing that such a thing would not happen nor be beneficial for either party.

I am always rewatching the Marvel movies, and though I am always inspired by Captain America, the Hulk has lately been far too relatable. He is this scientist who cannot form very intimate relationships for fear of bringing harm to those he cares about. In the movie Age of Ultron especially, this comes into play, as Dr. Banner becomes aware of Natalia's (Black Widow's) romantic interest in him. There is back and forth throughout, with each trying to convince the other that they are monsters who cannot be together, but also debating whether or when they could simply run away from this life. After the big battle, Dr. Banner, in his Hulk form, flies away in a ship and turns off communications as Natalia appeals for him to return.

I am always overly dramatic about these things, but I often find myself repeating to myself that I am a superhero and cannot have what others have. If I want to save the world, and I do, then I cannot afford to love or care to the degree or in the manner that others do.

I told some close friends from high school recently about a recent match I had on a dating app with a cute hospital social worker. I had intentionally screwed up the conversation to make her unmatch me because any relationship at this point would be casual dating. One friend insisted that I should stop kissing dating goodbye and just casually date for awhile, but I just cannot imagine putting someone else and myself through that. It just sounds so selfish to me. I can be stupid on my own, but dating someone else when I know that it is not going to last sounds like a partnership in stupidity. Part of being a superhero is defying the odds in terms of one's effect upon the world, and I intend to have an almost entirely positive effect on everyone I know and those beyond. I do not see how you can do that if you put someone through emotional distress for the sake of some short-term happiness.

So the soonest I could possibly realistically start dating would be when I begin residency in a little over a year, but who am I even kidding? I am rarely physically attracted to anyone enough, and personality and interests and intelligence have to match up enough as well. I am, after all, looking for a partner in saving the world through missionary work in addition to living normal life. Each of the two girls I liked in the last couple years have fallen to either side of that, either the very best company for normal life or the perfect match for missionary work.

I unfortunately no longer believe that I will find a match. Odds are certainly in favor of her existence, but not in favor of an encounter, and certainly not in favor of an encounter that leads to anything substantial.