Selfless Defined

I met a guy in my usual coffee shop today. He saw my medical textbook and struck up conversation. I told him about school and he told me about oil and gas, and we discussed the contrasts. He describes himself and his job as being essentially selfish things, basically viewing everything in terms of revenue. I conveyed to him where medicine is similar, but that I have mostly found that it differs greatly, and furthermore, I am in pursuit of what I view as the most selfless pursuit possible through medical missionary work.

He was intrigued by this, and pressed me for what exactly I meant when I claimed that it was the most selfless thing. I explained it multiple times in various ways, but he kept asking, so I simplified it to terms that seem far too basic to my mind. I told him that we go to a foreign place full of strangers and we provide services that will potentially change their lives and we do so without any expectation or desire for compensation. Though I also readily admitted that the travel and exposure was its own reward, and that a day off to enjoy a given area was generally understood to be a part of every mission trip of which I have had the pleasure to partake.

Then I did the math. I will have spent at least nine years in medical training, essentially giving up any chance of forming meaningful romantic relationships along with the youthful years during which those relationships would classically be enjoyed, all for the sake of giving away the fruits of that labor at the end of it.

Just gotta fight the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and constant desire to not feel. Feeling is the worst and I used to be better at avoiding it, but this is the price you pay for allowing yourself to briefly feel happy.