Feels Like Failure

Today, I feel as if I am going to fail. I wanted to get out and do something this weekend but friends were busy and plans fell through. So I have the major issue of no real days off, no relief from the stress, which means that I do not come back to a new day of studying feeling refreshed. I have been focusing more on writing for the podcast, primarily because at this point, I think I can make it better, and I do not have that feeling regarding my test scores. I am good at only a few things in life, and science is not one of them.

I just feel awful, like I am a failure and that that failure is inevitable. And that sucks because this is the last of it; like, I am so close to being done. If I cannot pass this test in a couple weeks, I will have to try to take it while doing rotations this fall. And there is a pretty good chance that I will not get interviews.

You would think that being in the States would mean that I have all kinds of access to fun activities on days off, but I just run short. I used to be able to go to karaoke with that one girl, but although I think I dealt with everything, I do not want to risk the chance of an interaction with her leading to something being triggered. It sounds dumb to me, and some of me says to just get over it, but it really was brutal last time. In any case, I plan to hang out with her again after I finish with the exam.

I just have to push through and try to give it to God. All of the doubts, insecurities, lack of breaks, inefficient use of time, distractions, my faults, the habits, all that I can manage to give up.