What does one do when they find out that they failed everything? Well, ideally, I would pick myself up and try again. But basically, I just kept working that neurology rotation. Finished that last week. So now I have a month until I am tentatively planning to do my next rotation, and in that time, I am supposed to study enough to pass that test.
The reality that I had imagined was that I would have this month to relax. I wreck my mind and body, deny myself fun and pleasure and relationships, all with the understood condition that this is a temporary state. But no, I am meant to simply get back to the grind, even with residency quickly becoming less likely and the daunting revelation that I will likely have to find something else to do within medicine for a year with a medical doctorate. Given that knowledge, I am supposed to just start studying for this test again.
Can I just say what I would rather do at this point? The most fulfilling thing in the last year of my life has been this podcast. Never before have I been able to actually utilize so much of my creative energy. And I just feel as if I am genuinely good at it. All of the planning, script writing, character building, reconnecting with old friends to have them on (which reminded me just now to text an old friend from college), it just feels as if this is what I was meant to do.
That being said, I just need to come around and face this. But I have been sitting at Starbucks for two hours, unable to make myself study. I have so much anxiety, so long term, with no relief.
I met up with a girl I had liked a few years ago. Model, recently graduated from nursing school, starting her new job tomorrow. A lot had changed for her since she made it through nursing school. For one, she was very agreeable to the prospect of going out for drinks. So we went to a brewery, and our conversation was so nice. Because I was no longer romantically interested in her, and also because as far as I knew, she had a boyfriend, I was not nervous to be around her. This in turn meant that I was very funny and charming, and though she left town the following day, she later texted me hinting that I should visit her in San Antonio for their version of Oktoberfest. Our conversation had me questioning some things. After all, she is most of the things on my list of what I am looking for in a person, but what am I at this point? I do not necessarily recognize myself or where I am with God. Okay, that is just me overthinking the basics of what was a very mutually pleasant outing.
Time to leave this Starbucks to go home and see if I can muster up enough inspiration to get to really studying today.
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