Wet Blanket

Sometimes, you reach a point where you just cannot move. Failures are compounded by complications outside of your control and you find yourself without the will to continue. You throw yourself at these problems over and over again, and when you burn yourself out in doing so, and the end result is failure, you are left in a stunned state. How compromised am I on how many levels? Spiritually? Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically? And all for the sake of pursuing this stupid dream of helping people, of saving the world. I was flying high for a little bit, shining in clinical rotations. But then push most certainly becomes shove when the time comes to prove yourself on exams, and I just cannot handle it.

I detest this place I am currently in. Time is slipping away with my noncompliant mind refusing to study. I keep drinking because that at least softens things for a few hours at night, even though I know that it reinforces the depression. And yes, the depression that had mostly been lifted at the beginning of summer came back to cloak me in its wet blanket. With it has come anxiety, which had never seemed quite so overwhelming as it is now.

I just feel used up in all the wrong ways. I have so much to give, so many talents, most of which have simply been put aside for years in order to make me able to do this stupid medicine thing. And then I cannot even do it when the time comes. All in the pursuit of this dream that God gave me, and then ironically, I drift further from Him too as a result. The views that I have developed as a medical scientist have pushed me further from the beliefs of fellow Christians, so that I do not prefer the please of the company of many of them, despite the fact that my beliefs regarding modern controversies are foundationally derived from the very same faith as theirs.

I no longer live on an island, but is this life so different?

Remember when I used to write about my fun and exciting take on what God was doing in me and my friends? I was reading Galations 2 today and the Apostle Paul did his whole thing of telling the Apostle Peter that he was wrong to stop eating with gentiles when Jews walked in, but man did he make a long speech about it. Eyes were rolling hard over here. Come on Paul, cool your jets. I just imagine Peter being kind of stunned and then just assuring Paul that yes, he is right, so let us just move on.