Failed Every Test

Well, I failed that exam. This means that I have failed every major exam in medical school. Because of this, I am naturally having to reconsider my path for the next year and a half. Even if I had passed these exams, residency interviews were never a guarantee. Since I have now failed each and every one of them, I just... I am so exhausted on so many levels. I have given up so much of my years of youth, and all for the sake of this continually impossible thing. I gave this test to God before taking it, and during the exam, and since then. And I spent ten minutes before opening that failing email just reassuring myself that I probably failed, and that is okay because it belongs to God anyway.

But even if I retake the tests next month (which is the plan), the only residency that I have a chance of getting into is still merely that, a chance. The likelihood is that I will not get a residency next year. I certainly would not give me an interview if I were in the position of the residency directors, much less a residency position.

On top of all of this, when I requested a transcript from my school, they were missing most of the evaluations from my rotations last year. And the agency that manages my rotations has not responded to my emails about it, so I have to call them up next week even though applications go out tomorrow.

So I have failed all of the tests, cannot retrieve my transcript to apply to residencies, and am frankly just so exhausted and depressed from everything that led up to this point that I do not know how to deal with it.

The only thing in my life that seems good and fulfilling is this comedy podcast. At least that makes me feel successful and intelligent. Granted, the statistics we have for it make it similar to my test scores in that we have not exactly been blowing up in popularity.

So next year, I just do not know. The blog posts about people who did not get a residency read similarly to those about people who fail these exams, just depressing. I will have to find some job that allows me to have clinical interactions. And it will be tricky because by then, I will presumably have passed my exams and become an M.D., so I will no longer be a student with the student access to a clinical setting under the supervision of a doctor. I just do not know. Ideally, I would find something that pays and also gives credits toward residency, but from what I understand, that does not exist without having already completed the intern year. I have looked at missions work, like the possibility of getting my feet wet before I really start residency, but I would want to generate income rather than having to raise money by asking for donations. If what I am looking for exists, then I do not know how to find it.

Times are tough. I keep being reminded that I am so much better at so many other things and that, as always, God has told me to go on this path that is not a legitimate match for me. At least now it is more a question of when rather than if, but that is a small comfort in the face of failure with the expectation that I must push through my current and very present failures to continue studying. I could take that exam a great many times, but the studying for it has been so crippling.

But maybe this podcast will be something...