Four Weeks (Yes, I Postponed It)

I took a 4-hour practice test and did poorly on it, badly enough in fact that I delayed my exam by a week. That means that as of today, I am four weeks away from sitting in a testing center and taking that 9-hour exam. And so I have been trying to study hard. I once again attempted to cut out my workouts, with the idea in mind that I could use that extra time to study or relax, but as usual, it merely resulted in a lack of initiative. So I will begin working out again tomorrow, and then record podcast the next day, which will hopefully leave me ready to study hard on Monday.

Unlike the Step 1 exam, the Step 2 CK is career-defining. If I fail it, that will have severe impact on my options. And I will then have to study in the midst of rotations, as opposed to my current method which is to take months off at a time in order to focus. If I can pass though... What a dream. If I could just pass this stupid exam, then I will be pretty much set to become a doctor. And then I will just be trying to take the Step 3 exam before residency. I will of course try to pass it, but failing that will not be the end of the world, considering that I will have years ahead of me to pass it.

So yes, in four weeks I will be sitting in an exam room and solving something like 318 medical riddles over the course of 9 hours.

I know that I should not focus on the podcast so much this close to the exam, but if I was not obsessing about the podcast, I would be obsessing about my trip to SE Asia next year instead. I cannot abide simply focusing on one impossible task at a time. So I have been searching for podcasts to guest or cohost on in order to draw a wider audience to the podcast, and have found welcome responses thanks to the wide world of Reddit.

So I am struggling to find relief, to clear my mind between study sessions. Should I take up going to church again? Or at least watching sermons online? My guess is that the answer is "yes". But the mind has a way of tricking oneself into thinking that any such disturbance in sleep schedule or time consumption is taking away from valuable study time, even though it may refresh the study time. 

I long for rainy days when I can go outside and stare at the water to clear my head, but it is late July in Texas. So my pursuit of meditation and prayer will have to push forward despite being so encumbered by the rich lather of a Texan summer heatwave.

A bright side to studying and working on creative projects is that it takes away my desire for a romantic relationship. I very much appreciate that relief. Unfortunately, it also leads me to see my relationship with God as secondary, despite the fact that that particular relationship is the reason and the means for everything toward which I am striving. I keep thinking that I will sacrifice aspects of that for the sake of this exam, as if I am not meant to be giving this exam to Him. 

So God, as I stated months ago at the beginning of all this, when you allowed me to be released from the depression which had hung over me for years, please take this exam. Without your direct intervention, I will fail. Without your guidance, without your peace and wisdom, I will absolutely fail. Unlike many other exams, this one is highly dependent on my thought process rather than simply the bank of knowledge I have managed to accrue. So please take the exam, take my hobbies, take my dreams, take all of the increasing bits of fulfillment that have been amassing, take my contentment and my lack thereof, take my friends' dreams and desires and my interaction with them, and please take me. This is all for you, and the moment you decide that the medical field, the podcast, the SE Asia trip, and any of my other hopeful pursuits are not a part of your plan, please take them. And place me where you would like for me to be, in the mental, emotional, spiritual, and other states in which you would prefer for me to be. In Jesus name, amen.

Let's do this thing.