Failed CS

Feeling pretty despondent. Learned this morning that I failed my Step 2 CS exam, the one in which 2/3 of the grade is based on being nice and speaking English. Unfortunately, failing any third of that exam means failing the whole thing, and I was apparently remarkably awful at the clinical third of the exam. My notes, including diagnoses, must have just been absolute trash. For a couple of them, I get it, but it seems like a harsh grade compared to what I had heard of the exam.

I am trying to just focus on studying but it honestly just pisses me off. Not how they graded, because whatever, I fail everything, but how I am not made for this. This whole medical thing is not a good fit for me. I am not good enough at it and furthermore, I am good at other things. I could have been an actor, producer, director, writer, but no, I abandoned all of that because God said to go after this medicine thing. And I grew to like it, but you know what? Right now, I hate it. It sucks that I fail the easiest standardized exam of the whole thing, and that I will probably fail next week's exam. That's $1k per exam + travel/lodging, and for what? So that I can be dissatisfied with it and wishing to participate in more creative ventures? So I can compromise my values and become more and more selfish and lose connections with dear friends?

And guess what? If I manage to pass these stupid exams, my reward is to ask residencies to consider hiring me into the most stressful time of my life, three years of intense training with crazy hours.

I just want to be dead. I do not even feel particularly depressed, just frustrated and angry. I study for months to be better and my scores do not consistently improve. I have little in the way of a social life. I just...

At this point, I just want to run away. I just want to go explore another part of the world and avoid this. Years of work, of developing depressive symptoms, of my youth, of huge creative potential that will never be realized because God told me to do something that He neglected to design me to accomplish. It is almost as if He thought "hey, let's give this guy everything he needs to accomplish great things for me, and then tell him to do something that does not fall into any of his talents."

So I guess I will try to study today since the more critical test is next week. Scored okay on a practice test last night... Just have to score slightly better than okay on the real one in order to pass... Ugh.