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I moved home and cleared out a study space in my mom's house over the weekend.

Why can I not be done with all of this? I just... I am so tired. The best part of my life is when I am asleep. I am jealous of coma patients, and even more jealous of the dead. But no, I have to save the world, and to do so, I have to learn everything first.This is how it happens with the best hero stories. They are sent away, they spend time in training, and upon their return, they are far more proficient than they were before.

I am rambling, but I am also just trying to think of what I used to think of to get to sleep. Superheroes, I suppose. Or the big and bright future. And I will likely be able to do so a little better after I finally visit the gym tomorrow. But until then, WHAT BIG AND BRIGHT FUTURE?!? I give up momentary happiness all the time because I recognize the cost, to myself or others, and as a result, I constantly feel very alone and disheartened. Will I get to go outside this summer? Will I ever find that girl? Will I ever feel happy? Should I get on antidepressants to make life tolerable, or keep going on like this?

Maybe something good will happen, but the whole world has seemed trashed for years and I am so tired of giving up everything for the purpose of learning how I will eventually clean it up.

So yeah, that makes Day 1 of studying for the Step 2 exam. I am obviously psyched for it.