Trip Cancelled

Well, the trip to SE Asia that I had been planning for two years has been cancelled, or at least postponed. The breaking point was when they changed my flight from a Dallas departure to an Atlanta one. Until this time, I was merely going to delay the flight by a month or so, but that kind of change without my consent was enough for me to just ask for a refund.

Last night, I was hit by depression again. My appetite has been decreasing and I have not been able to make myself study very much. At the moment, I have convinced myself that the girl I liked will not like me in return, which has a poor effect on me mentally. But the alternative of a let down would potentially be worse, and I do not want to risk that. But these things are merely pieces of evidence that my mind churned up after the mood change came on. The depression has not reared its ugly head in such a way for a long while. What is more, this mood change came about after I had had a good workout and a meal with the more stable part of the family.

I feel better at the moment after having coffee and sitting at Starbucks, but not much better. I fear that I have only postponed the eventuality of a depressing feeling. But maybe things will be looking up!

Maybe I just have not properly worked up the nerve, but I did go off alone for a moment to try to yell at God. The tension currently infiltrating my being seems to be pushing for that kind of release, but when I tried, my mind seemed unwilling.

Maybe I am just unwilling to be honest with myself. I should be studying for this exam, but I just keep doing worse the harder I try, in large part because I cannot find appropriate relief when I need it, which is of course because I have lost such connections due to my dedication to this pursuit of medicine. And it does not help that my sister with a personality disorder lives right next to me, and my mornings which were previously peaceful with my biggest hurdle to studying being myself, they are now frequently filled with her arguing on the phone or playing music or any number of focus-inhibiting activities.

I will try to go back to spending the remainder of my day actually studying since I did little to accomplish that thus far today.