A Self-Centered Folk

 So, in February, we went on a cruise. We did this just as the news was hitting that some cruise ships were filled to the brim with Covid-19, but it was just before the most dangerous time. My sister, who I had long suspected of having some sort of personality disorder, was rooming with a friend of my mom's, who just so happens to have a master's degree in psychology. We both got along well due to our mutual love of alcohol, and so at one point she asked me what I thought my sister had. I said borderline personality disorder, owing largely to her dysfunctional relationships and apparent fondness for the immature defense mechanism of splitting (look it up). That friend responded by saying that a certain variety of narcissistic personality disorder can present similarly to borderline, and this is what she thought my sister had. I of course defer to the one who is more of an expert in such a field.

Then I remember my grandmother on my mother's side, who is similarly very, in polite terms, self-oriented. And I remember my aunt on my father's side, a notably narcissistic person. And I realize that despite whatever I have become, I bear in my genetics a significant risk for passing on this horrific personality disorder. I try very, very hard to remain empathetic. My closest friends are close primarily for this aspect of their personalities, that they are highly empathetic, and this empathy translates into their humor and art. Somehow, I came out somewhat balanced in this regard. However, I recognize in myself these narcissistic tendencies, and my own inclination towards undervaluing those around me even as I elevate my own self-worth. I know that I have empathy beyond that of those who are burdened with a narcissistic personality disorder, but what I do not know, in large part because of the few studies conducted regarding the matter, is the risk of my potential future progeny becoming burdened with such a disorder. Currently, if I inherited millions of dollars, there are not many family members upon whom I would wish to bestow such wealth. I know others who would use the money more wisely and to help more people in need, and not all of those friends are Christian. In fact, few are.

Maybe I will eventually date. But even without the prevailing certainty of climate change wrecking the possibility of a habitable world for generations to come, I am concerned that my potential progeny may be destined to become the very worst of what this world can expect from humanity. We have seen what that looks like in the highest position of power, and in my perception, it does not bear repetition. This is surely a conversation to have with the future significant other, should she ever materialize, but as it stands, I do not trust my bloodline. We are a self-centered folk, and I dislike us.