How Is Studying Going?

Very often, people ask me how studying is going. They ask because they know that that is most of what is meant to be going.

Sometimes, like this very time, I have to remind myself that I and my life are a joke. God's big prank is making me, the person who is not naturally skilled or talented in areas related to science or medicine, pursue perhaps the most respected occupation currently in existence. The stress feels real, and the anxiety is crippling, but if I can just hold onto that knowledge that it is all a joke, it eases the pain of it. I am the punchline, and if I can just remember that, then maybe I have a chance to get through it.

What did I do today? Well, it was declared to be a study day, but the anxiety was bad enough last night that I drank excessively, so I slept in today. I caught up on social media on my phone, sent out funny tweets to a small number of friends that appreciate that from me, and then finally get up to brush my teeth. I am of course careful to listen and time it so that there is minimal chance of an encounter with my youngest sister, with whom I avoid conversation because her probable personality disorder makes for difficult company. I walk from my room across the house to upstairs, where a storage room has been modified to accommodate my studying. Clutter is reportedly bad for studying. Well, it would take a thorough cleaning and there really is not space for the items therein to go elsewhere, so the problem remains.

I had spent hours in the past week literally sitting back, just roiling in anxiety, so today was just an attempt to get back into it after a full week without studying. I begin going through test questions from my last exam, becoming distracted and overwhelmed throughout. Over the course of roughly ten hours, I have completed five questions and watched two or three lectures, each consisting of roughly 20 minutes, though I watch at 1.5x speed. 

One may beg the question at this point, "Where did all the time go?"

Well, I was on social media. I played a game on my phone. I ate food. And I spent time just overwhelmed by anxiety. This level of anxiety is fairly new. It likely arises from a number of factors. I turn 30 in one month, and all of my plans to feel accomplished by that age, some of those plans fairly recent, have been severely impacted. Impacted by my own shortcomings, that of my school, difficulties with my living arrangements, and, of course, by the current global pandemic. And of course, because one does not so easily rid oneself of having a crush on someone, my mind continues to play out one-sided conversations with her about my feelings. And the anxiety overwhelms again with such a clear trigger.

I mean, five months after I first tried once again to register for the exams that will allow me to apply to residency and I still have not been able to register, much less schedule and take the exams.

So when someone casually asks how studying is going, I have to suppress the anxiety that is triggered by memories of constant anxiety without real breaks.

But maybe if I can also bear in mind that all of that anxiety, and the depression, along with all other troubles impacting my psyche, bear in mind that it is actually a joke, then maybe I have a chance. Sure it is a joke on me, but it is also bigger than that. My life is the joke and my fumbling attempt to live it is at least one of the punchlines.