Valentines & Studying

I went on my first vacation in two years (unless you count the kind of stressful weekend trip to Disney World right after that awful test last year). Cruises are nice because you are forced to unplug (unless you pay up for internet) and I at least am reminded of my talents that have not left, despite years of constant confrontation with my inadequacies that can eclipse such things. While stretching at the gym, I was approached and asked how I stay so flexible or so thin, and while singing karaoke, I have strangers going up to the KJ on my behalf unprompted and saying "You are going to want him to sing."

The end of the cruise was the day before Valentine's Day, and I had made preparations ahead of time for the girl I like to receive my valentine in the mail. A big selling point of my making origami gifts is that they show time and effort, but they are also inexpensive. Of course, this girl is sort of the impossible type, the kind that, like myself, just statistically should not be someone who I would ever naturally encounter in daily life. So I did not stop at mere origami and poetry and chocolate, which likely would have impressed her enough. I added to it a little scotch tasting, which we had had plans to do together last time she was in town until family and weather dashed such a proposition. Finding descent scotch in 50 ml bottles required a trip to Dallas (Total Wine had the goods), and then the right poster board to fold into boxes, and then figuring out how to package it right and which carriers would allow me to ship these gifts, all of these things were involved in creating this ideal gift to try to win her over. (No carriers allow alcohol shipments by the way)

It turned out that she was even in town visiting that weekend, but she was at a Bible conference, which made the scotch an even funnier gift. And she was bubbling over with amazement over all of it. It has been a week since then and we keep chatting. Anyway, since she was already in town for that conference, I do not know when I could reasonably expect another visit from her. And I am studying, so I cannot spare the time to visit her. I want to let her know that I like her and want to like her more, that she has exceeded my standards, and ask whether or not she may feel the same way. I wrote line after line of poetry in an attempt to ask it in a letter, but I did not feel peace about that. So I wrote a poem just stating things I like about her and maybe I will give that to her regardless of her answer.

In the realm of studying, well, it continues to be hard to stay motivated. As with last year's studying, test scores are progressively going down. And when scores go down, you begin to lose hope of ever leaving this phase of life. But if I can just get past this thing, this season could at long last come to a close! I keep trying to bring back images from those mission trips, of the people suffering. You know, fun weekend thoughts. Every time I let myself get distracted with my phone or something, I let future people suffer more. But if I can pull it together enough, I can save some of them! Therein lies the trouble though. How do I pull it together enough? I just need to focus for a few more weeks. Just a few more and then I fly away to SE Asia!

And when I get back, I need to figure out a game plan to take that stupid playing doctor test and find employment. Because one thing I have learned from living with my narcissistic sister at home is that I cannot live like that. Too stressful and critical and accusing in too dumb a way.