Depressive Fatigue

Depression hit again. Somewhere between hitting a mental block with studying on Tuesday, then talking to God about my frustrations during a thunderstorm on Wednesday night, then waking up early this morning to get my air conditioner fixed, I was feeling pretty rough. But I told myself, "At least you are getting your air conditioning fixed!" I dropped my car off and wandered on foot for a couple hours, just talking to God... At first, especially during the thunderstorm, I was asking about that girl, but I am so tired of that question and of school and my car and every other anxiety in my life that appears to have no resolution that today, I just tried asking God what was going on with Him. I am so tired of focusing on myself and my issues. At the end of that walk, the auto mechanic told me that the cost was far greater than originally quoted, and I also needed my tires fixed. I got the tires done at the usual place and then just had to take a minute.

My appetite has decreased. I have a repeating pattern of taking a few practice tests that score progressively lower, then burning out. I just cannot seem to keep up the necessary pace. Some clerical error keeps me from being able to register for the exams for residency applications, which has been a continuous issue for several months.

Today, I had already made excuses to avoid working out, using today as my skip day. But I was feeling so very depressed that I knew I needed something. And then I played Grand Theft Auto with my podcast friends online, bantering along the way. And still, shortly thereafter, I just feel that depression. I yearn to do so much, but it really does feel as if, in addition to my own natural inadequacies, God keeps closing windows and slamming doors.

Here is why I am now getting angry about the whole concept of liking a girl. See, it is easy when you are pretty sure that it is not realistic. Or that she probably is not interested. But like myself, this one is difficult to read. And I do not want to ruin friendship with a romantic thing. So the game plan is to tell her that I am usually trying not to like her romantically, and that I keep asking God about it, but I just need to let her know that she has exceeded my standards. At least, I think so. So take that for the compliment that it is and maybe think and pray about it unless she has made a sure answer. Friendship first, but if she feels similarly towards me, then we can pray and seek counsel on whether dating should happen.

What. A. Chore. Why do people date? Oh right, because no one does it in my way which, in theory, should help one to keep God at the very center of it. Because if you believe that He still speaks to us today, then surely you could approach dating in such a way as to allow Him to speak.

So anyway, I am pissed at this whole dating thing, at the possibilities of either rejection or life partner or ruining it somehow, at school, at this pandemic preventing me from meeting some of my great comedy heroes, at the passage of time, at being alive, at feeling like I have caged limitless potential, of being unable to travel to explore new places. of feeling stagnant, of giving up my creative side for the sake of medicine and the ensuing failures regardless, and I am tired of never getting to live out this fulfilling dream of saving the world. And I am tired of being and feeling smarter than others.