Rough Week

So I failed that test. And then on Memorial Day, some family members had me shaking with rage because of how blatantly they mocked the workers and myself for obeying the official guidelines to help mitigate the pandemic. This led me to confront my dad and stepmom at dinner a few days later. I dressed in my lab coat and tie and gave an impassioned plea on behalf of the 100,000 dead from this virus for them to obey the rules. They later texted further criticisms of me in reply. And then they went to church today without wearing masks, which is a very high risk situation, so I will not be having meals with them in the near future. With that in mind, we made arrangements for the grandkids to have dinner with grandpa on another day, which will hopefully solve these issues for the time being.

Then yesterday I went to visit with the girl I like. I helped her pack her bags to go back to San Antonio where she works, and we visited and talked about various things. I may have made myself look bad by also discussing these family issues a little bit. Then as she was packed up to leave, I told her that I love her as a friend but I also like her romantically, and then handed her an origami envelope with a note that, as I told her, hopefully set the right tone to not make things weird or awkward. The response did not seem particularly enthusiastic, so I am assuming a lack of mutual interest, which would be equally as terrifying to me as significant interest. That was in the afternoon, and that night she texted me just to let me know that we could talk later about the note.

My stomach was in knots and I just felt exhausted and anxious. I drank a bunch and went to bed and woke up feeling depressed, which was a relief compared to the anxiety that I had been feeling. For that of course, the cure is obvious, so I worked out. But instead of just going back inside or running an errand, I googled the nearest parks, and there is one which I had never visited nearby. I went there and just back as the lake water lapped against the shore, and finally tried to relax. How long had it been since I went out and just stopped? I am surprised that I had never done so before while living here, because everywhere else I have lived, I made sure to take time out like that.

In unrelated news, we recently acquired two kittens, and today my youngest sister got her poodle puppy. So far the puppy is fantastic due to how quiet and unmoving it is. And the kittens are fantastic because they are kittens and every thing and lack of thing is a toy for them.