Rough First Day Of Studying

My mind is slowly coming back to what it is supposed to be. Liking that girl helps. She seems like someone who 12-year-old me would have liked, and he is the most wise of us all.

I am meant to be studying today, but instead, I opened up a bank account, visited with a friend for lunch, and then read some Bible. I honestly felt too tired to study and the coffee was too hot, so I became caught up in my thoughts, which are fickle and often obtrusive things. During this time, I came across the song "Left Of Your Joy" by The Collection. In the past, even recent past, I did not like that song. It is about how even though life has ravaged you, that it has all been tearing you down, "there is nothing in the past that you belong to" and it is therefore not entitled to steal the faint glimmer of joy that remains. But I most definitely relate to the lyrics about spending time in bars, and especially to "God's been closing windows and slamming doors. The rain keeps leaking in, what the hell was that house for?"

Do you know what I was supposed to be doing at this point in my grand plan? Relaxing and then studying for the Step 3 exam as I waited for Match Week. Instead, I am studying to retake part of the Step 2 exam, even though my school still has not cleared me to register for those exams. My transcript was never sent to me and I am looking at the age of 30 coming up this summer with the feeling of inadequacy. I likely will not be a doctor at that point, nor will I likely be out of the country, nor do I even have employment prospects.

I like a girl but am not exactly eager to try dating junior high style, using my parent's money.

I just... I just want to get past these few stupid months, maybe ask God and also that girl what they think about us dating, and then I need for us living in different cities to be less big of a deal, and also my desire to move to Arkansas and her desire to live closer to family.

But if I bother to trust in Him and His plan, to recognize that He closed windows and slammed doors for a reason, that my own inadequacies maybe have a purpose in all of this, that maybe He has better ideas than my own toward which He is building.