Relief From Her

I felt so awful since last night, and all throughout today. That wet blanket of depression was back and for seemingly little reason. And then the girl I liked posted an insta story of a rose that had been delivered to her at work. And the weight felt as if it lifted. Finally I could stop overthinking, practicing how exactly to say what I wanted to say and ask if she liked me back, but also I have kept myself from liking her just in case she would not return the sentiment, and even if she did like me or was open to such an idea, we would need to separately pray about it and seek counsel from God-fearing people, etc. etc.

It really makes you wonder how I have stayed single for all of these years. But also how I have managed to retain most of my close female friends. Anyway, as great of a human as she is, she was very distracting, and perhaps with the knowledge that her affections have been cast elsewhere, I can finally focus properly.

Here is the thing. With her in mind, I knew that I needed to be better. And to some extent, that has been a very helpful thing. She is someone with whom I can share medical jokes/facts and geek out about Bible stuff. And I do not really have that in other people. My main thought recently had been that she exceeds my standards, but I do not think that I meet hers. I started to think that I need to become a doctor just to retain her interest. But I cannot do this doctor thing for her. Nor for any friends or family. This whole journey through medicine is my sacrifice to God, the one that He chose for me, and I need to be willing to give it up to Him at the very moment that He wants me to. Because it is His.

Maybe our timelines and geographical locations and spiritual and emotional states will match up at some point. But that point is obviously not now, and it is frankly relieving. No pressure to make things work in a given time period. Just trusting God.