Finally

Tuesday, I don't remember what I did. I remember asking Andrew how to make a website, but that was at night. Maybe it was something I'd rather not remember. That's a safe bet.
Wednesday, I went to Paradigm earlier than I normally get to (about the time that I planned to get there every week when I tried to plan in the beginning of summer). It was pleasant. I couldn't concentrate during pre-service prayer 'cause I felt shame and junk, and I hadn't heard from God in a sure way in quite awhile. The countdown video that night was me shaving my mustache. It brought back loving memories, and I found myself imitating my own facial expressions as I watched. Worship was good, 'cause I had had to run MediaShout for the past few weeks, and this was real worship again. I just gave it all to God, which felt so good. And one of the songs had the verse, "To call you more than Lord, Glorious Friend", and I felt like I wanted God to stop being only God to me for awhile, and to be that perfect friend that I've been wanting, which no human is capable of being, as it turns out. That night, I tried a new approach with my dad, instead of the silent approach I had been using for a lil' bit. I tried being honest. But, like every approach so far, it brought me to tears. "This generation wants to be open, but keeps you at arms' length." That's from the Q&A that night at Paradigm, and it's easy for me to see why. I talked to some friends about it during (Jordan called me in the middle of it, and I was thankful to talk to him not only about my current troubles, but also about teaching the junior high Bible class thing), and after, and that definitely helps. One thing Jordan said was just that I need to not receive the guilt and condemnation that is being sent my way, 'cause it's definitely not from God.
Thursday, today, I woke up at around noon, told my dad when he called that I couldn't help him, 'cause I needed to read my book for school, and then did so for most of the day. Then I took an hour-long break to try forcing some sun into this bleached skin of mine. The plans are set for the lakehouse. I leave tomorrow at noon. I'm hoping for some sitting back and chilling (I wouldn't use the word, but it's the only word I can think of to describe my hopes and dreams at the moment).