Some Free Flow Prayer Blog

Okay, okay, calm down everyone. I do not yet know which me I need to become. I do, however, recognize that whichever version of me I need to become will require a sacrifice of a portion of whatever I have acquired over the last few years. This is okay. As weird as it is to note, there are portions of my humor that I have sacrificed in an attempt to be a better human and Christian (the racism in particular). Some issues are too real to retain, despite how much I would prefer to make light of a given topic.

So now the debate arises. What am I to give up, and for what reasons? It appears that something must give way. It is difficult to express via a written medium, but there are relational aspects as well with which I am unsure how to proceed.  Different versions of me approach things differently. Do I revert to the emotionally and relationally distant and uncomfortable Christian of my youth, who was intimate with the Lord and did not know how to interact with, well, regular people? Or do I latch onto the latest version, which is well-liked by most but is significantly lacking in a gospel message (though in his defense, he was searching more for an understanding than he was looking to change the hearts of humans).

This is primarily written in a free form, without actually looking at the screen, so please forgive inconsistencies in flows or thought processes.

God, thank you for putting her in my life, even if she belongs to another. It is easier to keep my mind pure if I bear someone like that in mind, so I hope that she remains as a potential partner. But I understand if you have someone better for her. This journey has primarily relied upon you as the consistency. Please continue to be that. Everything I do is for you, though I am often dumb enough to lose sight of that. Please help me to be at a level where I could be whatever one should be for someone such as her. Until then, I remain your servant. Let's study for this 8-hour exam together. If I fail again, whatever. Screw it. I'll take it until they will not allow me to take it again if that is your will. You call the shots here. If your whole purpose for me is to have me try and fail and then give up, then by golly, I will try and fail and then give up (though I would contest that I have like three, possibly four talents that could be useful outside of the realm of giving up.