Junior Fall Semesterly Reflections (Part 1 and probably all)

I'm watching Captain America, and I don't think I've ever felt this patriotic in my life. America is the greatest. No one likes a bully.

I used to be that lil' guy before I hit my growth spurt and grew like a foot at age 15. I didn't believe my dad when he told me I'd grow to be taller, and I had seen 50 lbs on the scale for much too long to believe that that'd change. I also had buck teeth. Even my mom admitted, years later, that I wasn't such a looker back in the day. But, she would add, that never stopped me (and her opinion of my looks has since changed).

I never used to let what other people said affect me. Or, at least, once I saw a negative affect, I began to ignore them. From every one of my siblings telling me I'm not funny to my high school principal, whom I was friends with, telling me that I should not pursue the career of doctor because I simply was not talented in math and science, I never listened to them. I only listened to God.

Fast-forward to this past summer, in that precious month between my mission trip to the Philippines and going back to school. I received in the mail an assessment of my abilities, of my strengths and weaknesses, from the pre-professional committee at John Brown University. There was nothing positive or affirmative regarding the pursuit of my major. Nothing. Throughout the page-long formally-written assessment, I read words like "...if you continue to study science...", "...maybe speaking with one of the professors in the Bible department concerning prophecy..." and other phrases strongly urging me to consider a performing arts major, or something in the humanities, because I made excellent grades in all of these.

So I strongly considered changing my major or at least my career choice. Maybe a physician's assistant or something would be wise. But when I asked God, my mom (who had been advising an easier path for years), my dad, or whoever else I looked to for direction, I received some of the most affirmation I'd had in a long time. So I came back to school agreeing with my professors' assessment, but obeying God.

And I was beaten up by school all semester. In fact, my advisor, who also teaches my research class, openly ridiculed me. I'm sure he didn't mean to be quite so rude, but when I asked "Would it help me get into medical school if I-" and he interrupted, "-made good grades? Yeah." I played extremely sarcastic and light about it as one of the other students scolded him for a moment.

This semester, I listened to them. I was not involved in many activities as I once was, like Mock Rock, video blogs, or anything really showy. For the first time, people knew that I was a biology major. I hung out with some friends from my major. My other friends weren't the healthiest, though they appeared so at first. And "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" turned out to be accurate, as I began to appear somewhat healthy but was slowly degrading, till I became more resentful of my life, what I was doing, and my inability to trust God. I became less open when asked "How are you?" because the answer continued to be one that I did not want to burden people with in conversation. I drank alcohol at school, which was not a problem before, but I began to think thoughts similar to that of the first steps of what an alcoholic thinks, "I'll drink away my troubles." I wanted to make it an escape. Fortunately, it takes a lot to affect me and I also do not drink to excess anyway. So I never get close to "drinking my troubles away," but I was still thinking it in my head, which is a no-no.

Then I came home for Thanksgiving and my youth pastor told me that I was being openly rebellious by drinking at school. And for the first time, I felt convicted about it. Yet I drank at school that very weekend, and, consequently, became sick for the following week (pre-pre finals week). Then I drank again at the end of pre-finals week, and was driving friends to do so again that same weekend, and my car broke down, which is costing me $3,000 (the other half of the cost being provided by my dad). Had I not been driving through hilly terrain a mile from Tontitown in below-freezing weather when my car overheated, I may have been able to help my car out. But no, I simply had to disobey God and go out drinking.

I began a Juice Journal, a journal of drinking with rules and notes and funny things, on the day I turned 21 because I wanted to be smart about drinking. I listed the reasons I had for drinking. It wasn't bad until I rebelled against God and made it bad. Consequently, no more drinking at school.

I ended the semester in disobedience, with grades lower than they could have been and with my dreams haunted by failures. I've been 'dupid with God a lot, but I don't think I've ever been this bad for this long.

In any case, I'm here now and I'm looking forward. I've got an iPhone that can do anything and a love for superheroes that I am nursing back to health. I still need to see Aladdin again (they finally wised up and took it off of YouTube) along with other Disney classics, but there's hope for that. I wrote four poems last night and am just hoping to go to Starbucks and write loads more for hours on end. I want to edit videos again; the only problem is that I'm lacking in footage to work with. I want to dance.

But really, I shouldn't be talking to my blog so much. God and I need to have a conversation. It's been a long time since I wasn't angry at Him while we spoke.