So, you know that feeling of wanting to be needed? I don't feel exactly that, but I'm feeling like it's because of the lack of being needed that I haven't bothered to: find a church, be actively involved in an on-campus ministry, be involved in an off-campus ministry, or even take advantage of Bible classes and theologians on campus who would probably love to help me learn the meaning behind such words as "hope" and "grace".
For the month I was at home this summer, I had time to realize that my family needed someone to keep things stable and Christian, and since I used to fill that role, I tried to do so again. And even though I had just been doing missions work in the Philippines, I was still a lot less faithful to God with my time than I needed to be. See, being needed gives me a need to be able to fill a need. At JBU, life is pretty stinkin' dandy. Spiritually, I don't have to do all that much to get by. But the moment I get a call from home, I remember that life outside of this JBU bubble has troubles.
I miss the old me, the me that worked hard on being faithful to God (though I was a bit of a superChristian) and to my family and towards being respectful of authority, and then seeing the change that happened within my family over the course of my high school years. I know that when I'm faithful to God, the world around me changes.
But now, I mostly feel a curiosity about different alcoholic beverages I have yet to try, and much of my free time is spent looking for such products and for places to partake of them. That's not a bad thing in my mind, except that I really am looking for that as a distraction from what I should be dealing with: God and I.
That's the unfortunate truth I've found myself living. I want to drink wine and talk about God and hopes and dreams, but my ideal situations haven't turned out, so such ideas remain separate and aloof from one another.
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