The Time Has Come

I leave for the airport in an hour. Since I never trust anything, I'll likely arrive about an hour and a half early with TSA precheck and only carry-on luggage. Then, after some Pokemon Go, I'll fly to Miami, and then to St Kitts. The next day, I'll take a ferry to Nevis. The following day, I'll take a test that I am not confident about which will decide whether I remain in purgatory or move on to the next of a great many steps toward becoming a doctor.

And after that test, freedom. Straight to the ferry and to the beach on St Kitts. Maybe get a $50 beach massage. Because for several days, I won't know whether I passed. That means no obligation to study, no guilt for any of that. And no Trump supporters either. Then on Friday, I'll leisurely fly back to the States, drinking merrily along the way.

I've felt so anxious this semester. First there was construction in the house so I couldn't even access my room, then my mom's divorce became slightly more complicated, which made her much more flustered, then my dad planning his remarriage, then my sister's (who has very real undiagnosed psychiatric issues) boyfriend took his own life with her in the apartment, and throughout all of it, a pro-Trump family and church as I sit here trying to focus. I was driven to drink again in order to relieve anxiety, which clung like the depression did back when I withdrew from a class. These distractions felt constant and pressing, like trying to walk through a thick array of spreading branches. I'm not great at this as it is, so it has seemed daunting.

But I finally let myself think about the test itself the other day. I remembered how the last time I took the comp, I mistook the time remaining for one section of the test as being the time remaining for the entire test (the number of questions for the total exam was placed next to the timer, which still seems stupid). So I sped through the first section without going back to review answers. Since I now understand that mistake, it feels like a leg up, even if the reality is that I only have even footing.

I will likely fail this test and have to retake it again in April. But I've got a study program lined up after the new year, during which time I get to live in my own apartment for two months. And before that, I plan to have fun with good people who, like me, are struggling in this world. I hope the next season is more kind.

A Mockery

Confidence is going back and forth. Mostly back. But I think I do better on practice tests when I'm not already convinced that I've failed it. This phenomenon has always affected others, but never me. This is disconcerting. I had a dream the other night in which I took this exam, but the test was just made up of tweets, with each answer choice being another stupid tweet. The whole thing was a joke, a mockery, and the proctors knew it, though we still had to go through with it.

And though I've always felt like my life was a joke, the effect of this election on my family and church and core values seems to make the joke a bit more cruel rather than playful. And when you add in the hopelessness with which I study... Well, it's not easy to keep this chin up.

I never thought I would feel worse than I did on the island, but living at home during the election was at least a close second. Complete dismissal of facts as hopes are placed in a walking definition of a demagogue...

Burned Out As I Begin

The struggle to be able to study has weighed on me all this semester. Now that I finally have time alone at the lakehouse, I just feel burned out. I'm still getting more done than I did at home, but nowhere near what I want to be doing. I keep thinking that I'm definitely going to fail (a usual feeling), but unlike in times past, I'm taking practice tests to help me study. Unfortunately, that "I'm gonna fail" attitude seeps in throughout the test. I get obvious questions wrong. A lot.

Obviously, I need to submit all of this to God better. But my mind has just felt so crowded until I could get away that I could not process thoughts, prayers, or much else. I hope that I get a grip on studying a little better. Or that, you know, the test is really easy. Either or, or both. Please...

Oh The Days

I fly out to take my exam a week from this Tuesday. I'm not likely to pass, but I'm heading to our family's lakehouse tomorrow to study in isolation until my flight. I will be moving to Addison to do a study program for two months after New Years.

I've hated living at home. Not just because it's so very pro-Trump here, but also because when one parent is getting divorced and the other is remarrying and your sister's boyfriend takes his own life, concentration becomes difficult. And I'm not great at staying focused as it is.

So I'm looking forward to December. After I take my exam, I get to sit on the beach briefly, then fly back to the States. Then I will have the freedom to go for guiltless long drives to visit friends in other states.

Also, getting up in the morning is still difficult. I still don't recognize the church as it is (so I don't capitalize). It seems like the clear wrong that I have learned all my life is more of a gray, or even white, area for many others. A good friend of mine told me that he doesn't tell people that he's Christian until they have gotten to know him well. We aren't ashamed of the gospel; the gospel saved us. We are just ashamed of being associated with a racist, sexist, bigoted, intolerant group.

An Open Letter

Jon Stewart recently made the good point that we can't judge every republican based on Trump's worst characteristics. It is true that calling every Trump supporter a racist bigot is going too far. That being said, voting demographics show that white less educated America was willing to overlook a lot of faults that no other demographic was. This is likely because white people were the only ones not targeted by Trump. To many of us, that level of callousness is tough to see as anything but (at best) a willingness to tolerate racism (and all the other -isms that Trumpism has acquired).

When it comes to the nation as a whole, it seems unfair to cast blame or judgment for this. After all, our nation is diverse in beliefs and values, which is something to be appreciated. However, since data indicates that the white evangelical church likely managed to turn the vote in Trump's favor, an issue begins to arise. Unlike our incredibly diverse nation, the Church is meant to be ruled by sets of values and teachings laid out by Jesus. So when one candidate embraces ideals and rhetoric that are antagonistic toward the ideals and rhetoric of the God we as Christians worship, a problem arises. (If anyone is in disbelief regarding the contrarian nature of the Bible with Trump's rhetoric, I would be happy to supply verses in this regard. It is not difficult.)

If the Church is willing to openly endorse such a man as Trump, along with all that comes with him, then this church is something that I cannot affiliate with as a Christian. There can be forgiveness, but trust has largely (and justifiably) been lost. If ever there was a question as to why or whether a younger generation in the Church was being lost, an answer is present herein.

I fear that much of the Church's witness was traded away this election.

And for anyone to use their political party as an excuse, that comes too close to idolatry in my mind. I changed parties when one strongly went against the teachings of Jesus (and my beliefs as a scientist and American).

To clarify, it is not because Trump votes were votes against my choice of candidate. It is specifically because they voted for Trump. I see no fault in third party voters.

To add a subjective view, which is shared by most that I've talked to about it, I have felt uncomfortable at church this election season. Given my understanding of who my church's congregation likely voted for, there are inherent implications. I would feel more comfortable visiting a mosque with a Muslim friend than bringing a Muslim friend to my own church. For this and related reasons, I have found myself unable to attend church for the past couple months.

I don't WANT to blame the Church. I love the Church. But because of my fellow evangelicals, I don't recognize the Church. And I don't relish trying to defend my Church's actions next time I try to share my faith with my Muslim friends. Or Mexican friends. Or female friends. Or any minority.

However, the purpose in this is not to condemn. That too would be contrary to the purposes that Jesus has for us. Rather, I share this in order to point out the issue. Pastors and leaders would be wise to evaluate the damage of their (and all of our) witness due to the choice of the white evangelical church in this election, and then reform as needed. It is difficult to see racism and mysogyny when you are a white male, but it is very present and, like most evils hidden in darkness, it must be called out in order to prevent the further spread of infection. In all of this, we may be thankful that Jesus remains constant throughout.

Sputtering of Apathy & Ambition

I'm a little over two weeks away from my flight back to the island to retake the comp exam. And no, I am not ready. Dad is getting remarried. Mom is getting divorced. Sister's boyfriend took his own life. And home was distracting enough before those things happened.

I'm studying today at our family's lakehouse. I hadn't remembered its existence, nor how usefully empty it was right now, until my brother reminded me between my laments about studying. But it is too little too late, in my mind. After all, two weeks isn't that much time. And within those two weeks, there is also Thanksgiving, which involves the occupation of this lakehouse. My mom suggested that maybe God intended for me to wait until now to remember it. And I can't help but wonder why.

I know that my ability to reason and explain has been appreciated at home. But the stress of the election (both what preceded it and the results) have weighed upon me. Even now, I wake up to the realization of different aspects of the gravity of such a poor decision by the American people (though primarily by the less educated white evangelicals).

Waking up with those thoughts, and the idea in my mind that my current studying efforts are in vain, really throws me off. Ambition drains from me even as I decline invitations to meet up with friends. I stop believing in a chance for romance, of becoming a doctor, in most things. Apathy sputters about as I try to rev myself up and into a state of hard work and discipline.

What can you do?

The Youth Dissuaded

I went to a wedding last night and reconnected with some old friends. It has helped to talk this stuff out with a friend who feels as I do about the election, specifically with regard to Christianity. The white evangelical church apparently voted with significant enough numbers that they decided this election. My friend and I both struggle with the fact that the Church seems to specifically push forward agendas that are contrary to the teachings of the Jesus. We both lament that the issue of abortion seems used as a device to cheaply win over a large portion of voters who would not otherwise support a given candidate. (As one who was staunchly pro-life before taking medical psychology and ethics classes, I can assure you that both sides have very valid points. But when I took my own personal reflexive opinions out of the picture, I found that such a difficult ethical issue should not reach a verdict until the doctor and patient discuss it. However, this does remain a heavily nuanced topic, so I will not begin to presume that my reasoning skills surpass that of others. I would simply request that those of opposing views display the same courtesy in return.)

And we both feel uncomfortable with the Church as a whole, along with our local churches right now. He said that he had noticed it around six months ago. I have felt it since my return to the States as I tried to reconnect with the Christian community after two years away from any real ministry involvement.

Since a social media post would invite ridicule or would seem a cry for help, I instead must speak to my local pastors at some point. This is for the purpose of warning them. If I, an educated upper middle class white man, feel uncomfortable with the church's support of such a symbol of racism (and a long list of other issues), it seems unlikely that this or the next generation of young people would think the church a welcoming, judgment-free place. If I were on the fence regarding Christianity, this election would almost certainly have pushed me away from Christ. And I certainly would not wish to visit a church if my skin were not white. And if I were a Muslim curious about the Christian faith, I would anticipate being treated like a criminal. I cannot imagine how embarrassingly hard I would have to try to make one of my Muslim friends feel comfortable in a church setting, especially the friends who wears a hijab.

My position must be careful though. It cannot be one of blaming people. There are those on social media who are claiming that Trump supporters are outright racists, or unsaved. I, however, believe that Jesus died for the sins of all, and can also see the perspective of being all in for even a chance at a pro-life vote despite everything that comes with it. And I can understand the distrust for the opposition as well.

Rather, my position is one of victimization and lamentation. I have staked much of my life, my story, and my passions in the Church and the hope that it brings. And I believe that this hope belongs to all people, that all people have a right to the opportunity of receiving it. But I see a Church that will deny social and civil issues (and, in doing so, support the continuation of those problems).

The Church that I love is one that I cannot bear to look at.