The Time Has Come

I leave for the airport in an hour. Since I never trust anything, I'll likely arrive about an hour and a half early with TSA precheck and only carry-on luggage. Then, after some Pokemon Go, I'll fly to Miami, and then to St Kitts. The next day, I'll take a ferry to Nevis. The following day, I'll take a test that I am not confident about which will decide whether I remain in purgatory or move on to the next of a great many steps toward becoming a doctor.

And after that test, freedom. Straight to the ferry and to the beach on St Kitts. Maybe get a $50 beach massage. Because for several days, I won't know whether I passed. That means no obligation to study, no guilt for any of that. And no Trump supporters either. Then on Friday, I'll leisurely fly back to the States, drinking merrily along the way.

I've felt so anxious this semester. First there was construction in the house so I couldn't even access my room, then my mom's divorce became slightly more complicated, which made her much more flustered, then my dad planning his remarriage, then my sister's (who has very real undiagnosed psychiatric issues) boyfriend took his own life with her in the apartment, and throughout all of it, a pro-Trump family and church as I sit here trying to focus. I was driven to drink again in order to relieve anxiety, which clung like the depression did back when I withdrew from a class. These distractions felt constant and pressing, like trying to walk through a thick array of spreading branches. I'm not great at this as it is, so it has seemed daunting.

But I finally let myself think about the test itself the other day. I remembered how the last time I took the comp, I mistook the time remaining for one section of the test as being the time remaining for the entire test (the number of questions for the total exam was placed next to the timer, which still seems stupid). So I sped through the first section without going back to review answers. Since I now understand that mistake, it feels like a leg up, even if the reality is that I only have even footing.

I will likely fail this test and have to retake it again in April. But I've got a study program lined up after the new year, during which time I get to live in my own apartment for two months. And before that, I plan to have fun with good people who, like me, are struggling in this world. I hope the next season is more kind.