Sickly Reflections

I often tell people that I came to JBU a charismatic, but now I'm much more baptist than I was. But it's not always true. I find myself controlled by my feelings. I feel driven by them. In my eyes, it's a very negative quality, because it leads me to be very fickle. And when I feel like there isn't a constant in my life, I tend to want to throw it all up in the air and give up.

God has always been the constant in my life. It's almost laughable, 'cause I have a harder time believing Him after He's shown Himself to be true countless times, or when He speaks clearly to me where I used to just pray that God would take the time to say something to me, anything.

I've never had the problem of not knowing what to do with myself. God has always led me to one decision or another, whether for college, mission trips, studying abroad, career choices, or relationships. He keeps on leading. I never, ever have the problems everyone else seems to have. God makes a way.

That's why I confuse myself with how great a distrust I've begun to have towards God. I get tunnel-vision, only seeing my faults and shortcomings, which I interpret to be God's fault, "because," I think to myself, "if God wants me to do something, He's going to pave the whole way for me." And when the way doesn't seem so paved, when I notice some bumps or places where I have to get out and push, I question everything that has already been trustfully assured to me, and I begin to fear false hope.

I should get sick more often. That lil' metaphor helps clear the noggin.