Being Who I Am Wherever I Am

Holding to a particular standard has weighed on me more when I think of the places I've frequented since graduation. When I've gone out, I've desired to go to bars, pubs, and clubs. My reasons for this became more obvious when I went on a cruise this last weekend. I became famous on the cruise after the first night because of my participation in karaoke and the dance club. My brother was critical of my desire to go to the latter function, but he simply doesn't understand my reasoning. I like the tastes of drinks, so I drink (he doesn't like the taste of drinks; he only sees it as a means to get drunk). And, of course, clubs are known for being places for men and women to dance on one another in the age-old tradition of what my brother called "wiener-butt dancing". I'm an odd type in that I just love the release of really letting loose on the dance floor.

With a little drink, it's a lil' easier to enjoy dancing. With a lil' more drink, I am more likely to fall into the same trap, as I tend to fall in love more quickly and frequently at that point. Cruises, at least Carnival ones, are a nice judgment-free zone. It's like stretching muscles that have been unused for ever so long (and also is literally that).

I also have to get intentional alone time on the cruises, so I go onto a top deck and look at the sky and write. Since I need that introvert time to be outgoing, and that time tends to be focused on God, it brings more specific direction to what I do while in the bars and clubs and karaoke. I'm there as a Christian, and that is how I, as a Christian am in such places.

Recent Writings

Something I wrote while on a cruise this past weekend:

Ephesians 4. 

We have a standard to be held to. Regardless of circumstance or our position, we must strive to live up to what we have attained in Christ. When you look at your journal, at your past writings, and you see that you were once so close to God, but now feel like you're drifting away, remember to live up to what you have already attained! God has done a work in you. His works in us don't fade like the flowers or melt away like the snow. Those changes He worked in you, those hopes He gave you, they are still active. You just have to remember the standard He brought you to and live up to it.

Don't say "I'm not the same man I was back then." When you accepted Christ, you became new. Any other change is not as powerful as what Christ has worked in you, and desires to continue and finish working in you. 

If you feel inadequate, like you aren't where you should be as a leader, confess this to The Lord and ask Him to lift you up to where He wants you, and humble yourself to Him. He will make you new. Amen?

Be who you are regardless of where you are. 

What To Speak On...

As I browse my mind and spirit (and, of course, ask God) for topics to speak on while in Belarus, I've reflected on my biggest lessons since I've graduated. The biggest one, as I believe I've related before, is holding a standard.

Sometimes I convince myself that I've changed drastically over the years, that since I haven't been involved in ministry apart from a few trips, that I'm not a regular churchgoer, that means that I'm not the type of on-fire-for-God Christian that I once was. But an important lesson comes from Philippians 3:16. Those with a maturity in their faith should bear in mind who they once were in Christ, so they can live up to what they have already attained and let that experience complement their current level of faith so they can stand more firmly in Christ. The best thing for us as Christians wanting to grow further in our relationship with God is to, as it says earlier in that Philippians passage, forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead. Toss aside what is holding you back and take hold of that for which Christ first took hold of you.

In the words of The Doctor on the last season finale of Doctor Who, we may change faces, but we must remember those past faces we have had. Hopefully that connects. But maybe I just wanted to feel that dramatic speech he made before he regenerated...

8 Days

I leave for Europe in eight days.

After daydreaming/dreaming of going to Europe again for the years since I last visited, I'm finally going back.

This past seven or so months have been very difficult for me. The transition is a difficulty in itself, but what I think made it all worse was that I had no real distraction. Just studying and stressing for the MCAT, then working a job while waiting/hoping for interviews with med schools, and playing the waiting game. Studying for the MCAT makes you want to throw away studying for awhile, so I lost the habit of learning, my favorite thing. All the things I wanted to do when I graduated became pushed aside. Whenever I had spare time, it was used to try to relax or forget the week or socialize a lil'. I didn't write much or read. I just let the little I had occupying me do so completely, allowing my small problems to be the biggest problems in my life. When your biggest problems are your own, that is the biggest problem of all.

So all the times I said "no" to friendship or going out or spending a lil' bit of money to meet people, all in the name of saving up for future travels, it has led to this. I have a plane ticket, a budget, a new GoPro camera, and a pocketful of curiosity, though my shoes are a tad soggy with apprehension (just loving the metaphors here).

Less Than Three Weeks

Well, 6-pack is back. I've been working out consistently again, so that's nice. The only downside is that I often find myself wondering why exactly I'm working out. Aside from being healthy, I tend to feel like I should have someone to impress, or a way to show it off. Before, it seemed kinda useless. I mean, in winter, I'm just not gonna be going topless outside of, well, the shower.

I'm less than three weeks away from leaving the country. Well, a few days till I go on the cruise to the Caribbean (I'll be topless there), but less than three weeks till I begin my three-month backpacking journey. I invested in a GoPro today and bought some insurance for it, so it came out close to $500. It's a big investment that I'm not sure I could really afford to make, but hopefully I'll use it well and continue to edit videos.

I've begun dreading the trip in some ways. I've intentionally not planned it because I want it to grow me. I want to have to roam around and figure things out as I go. But I also know that travel, even planned with places to stay and a flexible itinerary, is exhausting. And this will be three months of that.

I don't like to sound whiny about this huge opportunity that I'm planning, but I really doubt whether it'll be a vacation, at least for the first month or two. Until I make friends or go south to the beaches, it'll probably be pretty difficult. As I've told many people, I just need to go karaoke bar hopping through Europe, and I'll make friends that way. Also street performing. That should still be a focus.

Just Some Thangs

Today, I was most definitely meaning to go to the church and work on editing the video from South America last summer. Unfortunately, I took my time getting out of bed and then took my time giving myself a haircut, and then got a good workout in, and by the time I had showered, it was already 3:45 PM, and I knew that the pastors wouldn't be hanging around the church much longer.

I need to finish this video before I leave. I'm not really into the idea of having an unfinished project. I just have a hard time getting myself to work with someone else's schedule with something like video editing, which takes so much time. Maybe I can do the work on Saturday...

The bright side is that my body is fit again. I still get easily nauseated when I try cardio, which just means that I'm out of shape and maybe a tad dehydrated. It also doesn't help that I lift weights beforehand because I don't wanna make two trips to the gym.

I'm working on finding the right backpack for my trip. I stopped by REI, but it seems difficult to find a backpack that both has space for a laptop and is, well, made for backpacking. I'm going on a cruise a week from Wednesday, so I feel like that'll be a good time for a trial run to see how my packing strategy works (once I figure it out).

Talk It Up

I visited Arkansas this past weekend. Unfortunately, it wasn't the brightest I've seen it. Though the snow shimmered all nicely, many of my friends shimmered significantly less than usual. It's unfortunate that when things are finally coming to fruition in my life, many peers are in the midst of more difficult times. It's also tricksy when the only thing on your mind is the fact that you'll be in Europe in less than a month, and all your spare time revolves around planning the unplannable. I was not a skilled conversationalist because I could not stop turning everything around to talk about my not-so-distant future. I can't help it.

After talking it up so much, I've found that other friends seem more willing to go. Tara and Mia (two human friends) may visit in May, and my friend Jake and some of his friends want to go busking. Even my sister, Priscilla, is now considering paying a visit.

Who knows what the semi-near future holds?