Frustrated?

Sometimes, I'm overcome with frustration and don't know why. It's usually about the time when I need to go yell at God. These times came so infrequently during my senior year of undergrad. With regular workouts and #naptimes in the #blanketfort, I always felt relatively balanced. I suppose that I'll always be groaning about the lack of #blanketfort in my life until I have one again.

It's beginning to bother me a lot. Maybe if I just write out some problems, this stressful frustrated feeling I have will go away. Basic thing, I don't have access to my friends or family here. Living with my brothers was surprisingly pleasant. They and their friends were always really funny, and although not learning anything sucked, it was usually fun and lazy. I rarely saw my friends, but it was great when I did. Here, I have friends, but they're all brand new and few of them share a very similar cultural background. White Christians from the South are just plain hard to come by, not to mention ones that have worthwhile personalities and a hint of wit to them.

So there's that. There's also my grades. Last block, they plummeted because I couldn't get to sleep when I wanted. I think this was largely due to eating later. I was eating constantly in order to keep myself awake so I would have the energy to keep studying. I also couldn't nap because my roommate had a defined sleeping schedule that does not work well with mine (I need naps like right after class). It ended with me getting little sleep, studying little, and retaining little. And since I am very afraid of failing out of med school, of being proven the academic failure that I usually secretly think that I am, it was a great frustration to be hit with worse grades when I was studying so hard.

I guess I'm just afraid of failing out and frustrated at myself and at my situation. If I had known much of anything in the beginning, I would have gotten a single apartment straightaway. I wouldn't have made as many friends but I would have done better in school. I don't care about friends nearly as much as I care about doing well so I can help future people.

And speaking of living situations, my roommate backed out on our deal of getting an apartment together next semester. It's probably for the best, but I still need a place. We had a nice one picked out, fancier than what either of us was thinking. And I miss having a nice place. When I had a nice apartment, I treated it more nicely. But it's $100 more per month to get a single over there... So I either have to find a new roommate or go to a crappier place or pay a little more per month. Of course, that extra $100 per month will add up to like $1500-ish extra spending by the time I graduate, which could instead be used on, say, a single hotel room rather than a double whenever I do a STEP 1 study program. And I WILL have a single for that.

Still frustrated. I guess it didn't work.