Crushless

I have managed for a week and a half now to go without having any crushes. For the first time, I had the willpower to actually be as single as I am, and not live with a small fantasy in my head. It's strange when I want to write poetry, because I feel that I am lacking in a muse. All I have are my own thoughts reverberating in my head, clanging about until they manage to ricochet out and into a semblance of frustrated writing. And there it lies.

I don't know if it's smarter or easier this way, but I think it's better.

Upcoming

I've been recruited for an act in Mock Rock, and I am ever so excited about it. Mock Rock is John Brown University's lip-synching competition, and since I didn't get to be in an act last year, I've been craving it. I love performing, and this is such a fun way to do it.

I'm also kinda hoping to be selected to host the Talent Show in the spring, though I also kinda want to put a dance together to be a talent. For that, however, I'd have to learn to breakdance, and I still don't have that down at all. Either that, or I'd have to form a dance crew. Or maybe both.

All of my classes are left-brain oriented, and my creative side isn't really getting a chance to shine. I kinda miss it, though I can't afford to. Tragedy.

Stumbling Block

Lately, I've been thinking about what a bad influence I can be. The only thing that really scares me, that stops me in my tracks, that kinda haunts me, is the possibility of being a stumbling block, or of holding someone back. I've never dated. The primary reason is because God has never given the green light for it. In truth, I don't believe that I can do a relationship right to any real degree without God being an intimate part of it.

Unfortunately, that leads me to actually fear relationships. Not just with dating, but with any close friends. I'm too much of a people-pleaser to do things the way I should, so despite my intense love for God, I am afraid that I will lead people astray simply because I cannot say the difficult things that must be said. Or do the difficult things that must be done.

I don't think this for no reason. I have been a stumbling block before, and it weighed on me more heavily than most any other thing has. I want to be a force for good in the world, to shine the light of Christ, to become a doctor and bring healing to people, and to make people laugh. But when it gets personal, I am afraid of myself and my inability, my lack of will, to put God's commands before the people I become close to, even though those commands will only bring good in the long (and often the short) run.

These have been dark thoughts. I know that most of the influence I tend to have is good, but if I push anyone in the opposite direction, I cannot bear the weight of it.

Ran into this quote on Tumblr ('cause I do every social network, of course), and maybe it applies.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

—

Carl Jung

Approaching Fall

It's that time of year. Fall, with leaves changing, a chill wind blowing, and me kinda wishing I knew how to utilize the season well. Thanks to sophomore year in college, I closely associate this weather with Freelance Whales. After these two years, they came out with a new album, which I have yet to purchase. I probably need to, 'cause once again, the few songs I've heard from it fit the mood. Actually, I just now bought the album after writing that. It's called Diluvia.

I get in the same sort of mood that this season gets me into, where I wanna curl up alone with hot chocolate, or, if things get crazy, a heavily sugared and creamed coffee, and just sit. And think. And write. And watch. And listen. And be. Since it's hard to curl up alone in a small college town where loads of humans know you, even if you don't know them, it can get tricksy. Would it be crazy to lock myself in my trunk at the lake just so I can lay down a lil' bit and listen to the wind blow past?

After all, quiet time is essential, and I haven't really gone for that much this semester. I treat my room as my quiet place, but I still find myself yearning for a drive to the lake. No matter how clear you think your head is, it can get clearer, and that's good for it.

'Dupid

Learned a lesson today from pullin' a 'dupid. Then I looked at some of my old blogs and realized that I had learned that lesson before, but it obviously didn't stick. 'Dupid repeats.
Fortunately, God likes to use a 'dupid regardless of the fact that 'dupid is as 'dupid does.

TV, Foul Temptress

So, talking at The Gathering went really well. It was my first time preaching to an English-speaking people, and it was SO fun. I wanna do it again sometime. The video should be up next week and I can't wait to watch. People were laughing for most of it, until I got real and serious, and everyone thought it went well. The best compliment I received on it was that it was just like getting coffee with me. Gotta be more real than I instinctively am if I wanna reach people.

At the insistance of my flatmates, I began watching the show Dexter again. I had dropped it since freshman year due to the nudity in it, but since then I have both learned to skip scenes and to keep from turning nudity into an automatic sexual thing in my mind. Working in Ugandan hospitals helped that. So it isn't really so much the content of the show that is a problem, but rather, that each episode is around 50 minutes long, and that they have cliffhangers at the end of each one, so that you must continue watching. There is a reason why tv has been rooted out of my schedule (except for Doctor Who and Community). It keeps me from being this wonderfully new disciplined me that I've been loving. I've moved my average science grades up a letter or two and am loving it. I'm kinda scared of the mystery that is my future, but I know that if I stay fit and healthy and work hard like I have been, and keep God at the focus, I can make it.
So basically, I need to stop watching Dexter, because it does take over. This, of course, is made difficult by the fact that the writers for the show are very good.
Books are my friends. Those and friends. I need to remember that both of those are important.

I found out today that I'll have to take 15 hours of science courses next semester in order to graduate. I thought this strange at first. I really only thought I had two more classes left, adding to a total of seven hours, but no, I will have to take 15 hours, and it will be a full 18 if I attempt to take French II as well (probably unwise). The reason I have to take so many hours, I discovered, is that I took 16 hours of classes last semester for my major that don't actually count for my major. I switched the emphasis on my degree in order to avoid taking Genetics with the evil professor, which meant that two semesters of Physics and Organic Chemistry were both entirely for med school in the future, and do nothing to help me graduate. SUCKS.

Dabbling In Ministry

I'm speaking at The Gathering, the student-lead service John Brown University has on Sunday nights. I'm speaking on Romans 4-5, along with Genesis 12, 15, 17, and 18 (I think). Essentially, it's just explaining what Paul was explaining about the life of Abraham. There's a lot to glean from it, and God has kinda seemed to decide to make me live my life in the same kinda mindset.

What has impressed me like crazy, though, is that with this taste of ministry in mind, God has been bringing things up. He's been using me. I don't even try to get a word from the Lord anymore, but He gave me a word for Laura a few weeks ago, that she needed to be single (God loves making me give that word), and she succumbed to His persuasion the other day. Last night at 2:00 AM, my best friend from Texas, Cameron, called me to tell me that he and his girlfriend just broke up. He and I hadn't talked in months, though he is the one that I make sure to meet up with when I'm around. I got to be there for him and pray with him, and I had really forgotten how good it is to be that for someone. He and his girlfriend were kinda the hopeful ones in my perspective, the Christian peers who were doing things right and managing to make it work, and even the breakup involved them praying with one another and deciding that it was the best thing.

I wouldn't share that much about it, except that I'm fairly certain that no one from home reads this anymore.

And I feel like God has some big plans for Sunday night. There might be an altar call. And since I think it's fair to guess that SOME people at this school aren't saved, I'm tentatively planning on giving that opportunity as well. Always include a salvation aspect whenever you preach. Always.

In all my love for traveling, for learning new things, and for all of that fun, I sometimes forget that I feel at my absolute best, the peak of my character, when I'm in ministry. The accountability is just golden, and I miss it so.