Moods

My mood improved a lot the day after that post. But then I woke up today feeling groggy and confused as to why an alarm was going off. Then one of my first patients today was not pregnant, but rather had an STD, so I forgot to ask about her periods. In OB/GYN, you always ask about the patients' periods. And I just felt so, so awful. The other student is obviously the preferred one, taking better histories and presenting better. His advantage is that he has done an internal medicine rotation, so he has had real training in it.

Logically, I know that I should take note of these shortcomings in order to try to improve, but these overwhelming depression spells have just been hitting so hard that I end up just trying to walk away and breathe whenever I can. My thoughts keep going to that feeling of betrayal of trust when I confided details of sexual assault in that trusted friend, and she subsequently made a display of distrust. I knew that it was on a level that would be wise to just go to a psychologist or something, but why pay for that when you have a good friend? Unfortunately, betting my mental health on a good friend remaining a good friend is now costing me. Like, all she had to do was be a friend. That is all. Instead, she does not wish to see or speak with me.

So I do not know where to go from here. If I try to add breaks between rotations to work on myself, well, I have no friends in the area, so I would just be lonely for a week. Plus, all of my rotations are scheduled for the year. I have thought of seeking professional help with antidepressants, but there are a number of issues with that. For one, I would have to mention that in my future applications. For another, antidepressants do not kick in for weeks. And honestly, I do not want to visit a doctor outside of a professional setting.

Here are a few updates from this rotation.

I am entrusted with breast exams now, in addition to measuring fundal height.

One patient talked about how she wanted some birth control and the doctor suggested something with 99% coverage and I was nodding in agreement, and the patient was all over it saying "well he seems sure that it works" as if I have intimate knowledge of it.

Another patient was telling the doctor about the pads she was bleeding through, then looked to me for some recognition on the type, as if I would know it well.