Spent

Well, it appears that I have returned back to my old baseline. The knowledge that death would be preferable except that I have work to do here on this planet, the ever-encroaching loneliness... The difference is that I now know that those feelings need not exist if you open yourself up to someone enough.

But the emotional walls are going back up. I do not know another way to function other than to do so. Even with that, it feels as if I have only a tenuous grasp on myself.

I no longer feel that noble drive that once pushed me forward. Just lonely exhaustion. This psychiatry rotation has me questioning many of the spiritual beliefs which I had previously held. I still do not know where I stand on some of these things.

I just feel so spent. And... I do not know. In the past, I considered myself capable of making it through all of this through willpower and reliance on God, but it has taken so much alcohol to keep that method afloat. When I let myself become enamored with that girl, I did not even care to drink. I preferred not to, because why suppress those feelings? But no, I am back to this world of doing the right thing because it is right, of avoiding liking ladies both because my standards are too high and because I do not wish to hurt anyone.

And this is my easiest rotation. Maybe my next ones will drown out my ability to think about anything else.