Vulnerability Banishing Loneliness

This last week was difficult. I finally gained access to all of my weekly quizzes, so I now need to complete all of them during my final week of pediatric rotation. Fortunately, my next rotation appears to be very light. In addition to the coursework, a nurse practitioner was sick this week, so that meant showing up early and seeing patients every day with scarcely a lull. I was beginning to get used to the 3-hour lunches, and having that cut down to 45 minutes really put a hamper on my daily study quota. Hopefully the doctor will give me a good grade. She keeps telling me that I am doing excellent, and to keep it up, but I do not know if that is an 80% or a 100% or somewhere in between.

Also very much on my mind has been that one girl. Though we are not dating, this is certainly the closest I have ever come to such. Being in a new city with no friends or real hobbies present, I have been channeling my exhausted mind into writing to her. She told me she loved me when she visited, and I did not respond in quite as articulate a fashion at that point as I later wished I had. I have told many friends that I loved them, but it did seem as though this meant something else, and frankly, I have never allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to express such a meaning. And without God's express approval (which I cannot confidently say that I currently possess), that level of vulnerability seems unsure. But perhaps this is healthy for me, to allow myself to feel this much.

And that is the real concern. As thoughts of her become my only escape, my poetry has become more specific and impassioned. I was planning to write one letter per week, but I ended up writing four this week. And I have several poems already written in my phone. She said that she loves me, but now she seems hesitant, because the strain of distance, of not having me physically present, may be too much. Would our pseudo relationship continue like this? Just flirting long distance? For her, having experienced more, this arrangement is perhaps unbearable. For myself, I am shocked that the spot in my mind where loneliness had taken deep root has instead been occupied by her. I did not know that the loneliness could be displaced to such a degree.

My next rotation schedule allows me the opportunity to visit her, and for her to visit me. I hope that we at least have this time together. I am trying to submit it to God, because this seems as hopeless as the prospective of my becoming a doctor. My grandfather proposed to my grandmother by post, but judging by the past couple weeks, she seems unwilling to reply to a significant degree either by post or FaceTime.