The Tough Questions

I am nearing the end of my third week of pediatric rotations. I keep getting very low scores in practice tests either because the information is very new, or because I am sucking at what I should already know. The questions are difficult and I am not fast enough. The doctor will be reviewing my mid-rotation performance in the next couple days, and I hope that I am doing well enough in her eyes. She controls 40% of my grade and I am beginning to doubt myself, but we will see.

The girl I like and still seems to mutually like me back keeps occupying my mind. I mailed her a poem today. I do not want to mess with her emotionally, but then again, I currently feel more feelings than I know what to do with (and that seems like the appropriate time to write a poem).

She texted me today with questions about faith, the kind that all of us should struggle with at some point(s). There are lots of religions, and everyone thinks that they are right, so what makes Christianity the real one? Being a good person seems like a nice enough thing, so why not leave it at that? My explanations, like all spiritual ones, were primarily subjective, as I freely admitted. She did say that she is still a Christian, and wondered whether these questions were okay to be asking. I of course encouraged her to keep asking, since God does not want us to just be dumb ignorant followers.

I had put that letter in the mail mere hours before, and at that moment, the primary reservations I have had about her seemed to crowd the forefront of my mind. Questioning is healthy, but what if she falls away from the faith? Her foundation is not like mine, thoroughly entrenched and with a widely professed path toward missions work. She has lived like a person and then found the faith on her own. I hope that she meets Jesus in a deeper way through this, rather than being left as a great many friends have, wandering with a sort of contentment in spiritual insecurity.

Maybe I should not have sent the letter. The thing is, I do not even have to try to like her. She is incredibly likable on a number of levels. I can easily see her doing missions work. But the reason for the mission work, the mission itself, Jesus Christ, has to be at the forefront of said mission. Without that, without the spiritual fulfillment that comes with the work of Jesus in one's life, all we are giving is a temporary physical fix. I am in medical school for the temporary fix so that the doors may be open to provide a spiritual one.

Having her fill my thoughts has made me feel considerably less lonely, which has been a welcome gift that came without request. I now understand why people date without asking God, how they can marry without being absolutely sure, and I have a taste of what it is like to not want to die early. Best case scenario, she tackles the tough questions and comes out of it loving Jesus, God says that we should get married, and life gets...happy?

But my bets are on struggle, loneliness, and barely dealing with the difficulties of life.

P.S. The girl I was liking in the fall, who helped to trigger my lil' identity crisis, has a boyfriend now. Jaw so square it must have been chiseled. She is great, but I am glad that I did not go for her.