Hope Of A Misrepresentation of Reality

In an age when I increasingly feel alone with my learning and beliefs within my chosen field of study, it shocks me when I find anyone who is physically attractive and possesses similar characteristics. It feels like being the last of my race, a fairly open-minded Christian who also believes in science and has a strong desire to do missionary work. Those qualities do not appear often, and they honestly do not sit well together within me. So as the Trump era wipes out most of what remained of my kind, I am nervously fearful when I think that I have found anyone who even remotely seems to match me in many of these regards. Does she like me? Do I like her? How many of our beliefs have to line up for this to work? My parents are divorced and because I do not, in truth, recognize such a thing as preferred under any circumstance, I am even more hesitant with regard to romance than I was before it all began. Bear in mind that I did not date even before their divorce.

So the present fear today that inspires this post? The thought that the female human I like may already have a boyfriend, thus restoring the framework in my mind that all the good ones are already taken or are uninterested. Judging by the frequency of communication and social invitations, I assume interest. So that leaves the likelihood of her being taken. And given that I am somewhat emotionally vulnerable due to the recent failure of a major exam, the glimmer of hope that my aforementioned mental framework regarding romance in my world may be a misrepresentation of reality leads me to be on edge when I think of this interest as simply being friendly rather than flirty.

And yes, I know that I am using the immature defense mechanism of intellectualization in my analysis of my own self.

I miss writing. After this test, maybe I can do what I promised myself I would do after college (but never really did): go to a coffee shop and write poetry. Screw it, maybe I'll write poetry now. That would be a much more mature defense mechanism. Maybe like a form of sublimation?