The Night Before

Here I am. It's the night before the USMLE Step 1 exam. I'm a five-minute drive away from the testing center at an odd mix of nice and, umm, danky hotel near a highway in Tulsa. The sounds of cars on the highway overlay the hum of the mini fridge. I studied until 4 PM today, which is a no-no, but I could not resist. Fortunately, my mind shut down. So did my body, really. So I ended up getting a ten minute chair massage at the mall, which I had assumed would never be worth it, but it did more for me at this point than any hour-long massage I have had on a beach. Then I watched the Kingsman sequel (I did not care for it, perhaps 'cause I was not drinking?). So that was my fairly successful attempt at relaxation. I had not taken that much time out from studying since last Tuesday (tonight is Wednesday).

Then I did what I always do before a medical exam that will change my life: I read Romans 4 and the beginning of Romans 5. It really is poorly divided at that portion. Hope against hope is the usual section that I focus upon, but the suffering particularly caught my eye this time. Perhaps because of three years of fear, anxiety, and learning with decreasing thoughts of the things and people that I once cared greatly for, not to mention an increasing distrust of the Church in America as it stands (which is what I had hoped to reconnect to until I felt as if the Holy Spirit was warning me against it during the election)... in any case, I felt a suffering during this time that has changed me, beaten me down, deprived me of whatever it is that I feel is the best of me. But that passage does not just say to rejoice in suffering; it gives a reason. Suffering produces perseverance. Because of course, making it out the other side of suffering is what defines perseverance. And the passage does not stop there. Perseverance produces character. Just as a favorite book is made to suffer through creases and dog ears and wrinkles, thus gaining character, so our character is revealed by the sufferings through which we persevere.

And that character is what produces hope. It does so for the same reason that you originally agreed to go through this suffering in the first place: the love of God, which has been freely poured into our hearts. That sounds like a dumb answer to a lengthy riddle made up of suffering, but the guarantee is given at the end that this hope, due to its safeguard with the love of God, does not disappoint. We have an assurance that the suffering, perseverance, character, and hope are all sustained through a love that prevents disappointment at the end of the journey. It becomes worthwhile.

So in the midst of my exhaustion and insecurities, I have this love of God onto which I can hold. The God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. The God who does not merely bend possibility, but rather creates it anew.

Though I may foolishly lose sight of it, the God I continue to believe in really does have the power to weave reality as He sees fit. So I pray that I may place my hope in this speaker of worlds, this literal life maker, rather than what I have or have not managed to do to prepare.