Less Than A Week

I have been meaning to write again, but I have so much to do in so little time that it felt crazy to write a blog (especially since I have a habit of making these things too long when I am appropriately expressive). The Step 1 exam, the one that decides the course of a great many things in my life, is coming this Thursday. Today is Saturday.

Rather than think of test day, which I can hardly imagine, I instead motivate myself by thinking of the month after test day, when I am awaiting test scores. At around 6 AM on a Wednesday, I will apparently receive an email to let me know that my scores are available. Then I, with heart leaping from my body, will hurriedly scramble to figure out my login info and check the website for the score. Those brief anxious moments are what I focus on right now (and the days leading up to them).

My dad called to remind me of a lesson that he noted just before taking his CPA exam. This, like every matter of importance in our lives, is The Lord's battle. It is not my own. I attempt to do everything on my part to make sure that we do well on test day, but He is the one upon whom I will have to lean in the deciding moments. When I have narrowed a question down to two answers, it has very little to do with my knowledge and much to do with The Lord's presence in every moment.

Just as in the past, before I failed a class, I am trying not to think of the possibility of failure, of how crushing that would be. An extra month or two of studying will likely do the trick, but it is the social withdraw that I fear (and of course my standing as a student as I attempt to find rotations and residencies). There is a girl that I like, and from my very limited understanding of dating, I think that I will have to invest time in her already busy world in order to discover who she is and offer her the same opportunity for me. When I am studying, the outside world stays outside. I obtain bacne because I lean back in a chair all day. I just want a little respite from all this.

God, please be with me. Help me to study you and your world and the science you cultivated, and give me the knowledge and discernment to choose correct answers in the midst of baffling questions.

Also God, should I try to date her? Even though I will soon have to move for clinical rotations if all goes well? Right, right, focus.