Awful

Passed pharm with a 73. Failed pathology with a 65.5. Passing path with a 70.3 and pharm with a 75.5.

Anxiety is awful. So is depression. I just want to be back around people in America. It was hard enough to remember friends while they weren't far away. Separated by time and distance... I just don't know anymore. I feel like nothing, and also worse and worse.

If I had failed out when I first started med school, at least I would have only had around $15k to lose over it. Now it's multiple tens of thousands of dollars later, and I'm terrified of failing out. All that money lost. I've met people who've done that; they were coworkers that I trained before I knew anything about medicine.

I keep wanting to give it all to God, but it feels like when I first went to college. I don't know how. I'm saying the words, but it's not changing. And my thoughts haven't been pure either. That's an effect from the time and distance thing, as well as the grades. I just feel very very alone and no amount of texting or skyping does that much to alleviate the problems.

I know that there's a lot of potential sitting in me, but being martyred would be just peachy. Or just killed in a less dignified way. If God allows it, I won't be too picky.

Till then, I'll try to do better. And endure. Maybe suck less...