Fear & Anxiety

Over the past couple weeks, every time someone asked "how are you?", I would reply by saying that I wouldn't know until I have some grades posted. As much as I hate it, this seems to be my world. Forever trapped in the question of whether I'll do well enough on exams to get back to America. I've been enjoying learning so much this month; pharmacology in particular is fascinating, with each clinical vignette being like a riddle that I can actually solve. So although days of studying were draining as usual, I still enjoyed it. Until the tests. Pharmacology was a brutal exam. Like, I hope I passed, but I'm not betting on it. So now I've felt this anxiety creeping on me, and the compulsion to constantly check the grades will hit me again and again.

What I hate is that I know this feeling isn't right. I shouldn't be hit with anxiety over something like this, right? Worry never helped anything. Yet here I am, my feelings tied to the results of my collective knowledge tested on a particular exam.

What do I do with that? Submit it to God? Yeah, trying. Work out for endorphins? Done. Booze it up? Beer in hand and hoping to avoid taking it any further.

When that depressive episode hit me last year as a result of grades and having to stay an extra semester, I couldn't stop it. Prayer, Bible, God, workouts, booze, none of it fixed it. It was like a heavy blanket. I could hold it at bay for a little bit, but the weight of it was still always there. So now that I'm a full-time student again, I'm afraid of the same thing happening. Again. Especially since I've come so far...

I'm eight months away from getting off of this rock. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. But that's only if I don't screw this up. I don't want to spend another Thanksgiving here.

So there it is. I have anxiety about these grades. I want to submit them to God, but don't seem able to when actually confronted with the grades.

As it stands, I think I made at least a 50 on pharm and at least a 70 in path. A year ago, of course, I was sure that I'd made at least a 90 in a class, and that turned out to be a 58.

"Don't Waste Your Time"

Some days I try to remember who my friends are, and the feeling hits me that I should ditch most of them. It's an instinct, this thing that tells me that friends who aren't contributing to my own well-being are not good friends to have. And that's said a lot by a lot of people, the whole "don't waste your time on people who don't appreciate you" thing. But I don't see it that way, or, at least, I don't when I give it real thought.

There are a few reasons for this line of thought. The first reason is selfish. It's a networking thing. If I don't burn a bridge, if I remain somewhat in contact with a person, they become a resource for later use; they could, in some country or city or party where you don't know anyone, be your ticket to having a social evening, and meeting others through them who are more your brand of personality.

The second, very fortunate reason, is that people change. People you dismissed as fools or simple-minded people can end up being more educated, or more socially aware, or married, or any number of things that can change a person.

A third reason (I'm sure there are more) is that it's actually not about you. The Bible doesn't leave room for picking and choosing. We're supposed to love everyone, and that often comes at the sacrifice of our own preferences.

Now of course, we're all likely to aim towards our usual friends who seem the best to us, And there's probably not much harm in that. And if you're very sensitive to the words of others, it probably would be wise to take a break from those who you feel tear you down. But as for me, I don't tend to give much weight to the words of others, especially if I don't hold them in high regard. In any case, my self-worth comes from my relationship with Jesus, so any negative words usually seem to reflect poorly on the one they're coming from.

So don't burn bridges.

Ah Yes (Ah No?)

I've been meaning to post for awhile now... Life happened a lot while I was home for break. We went on a cruise. Everyone was nuts and it was honestly exhausting. Given how much drama is in our family now, I can see how people become workaholics, alcoholics, etc...

But that's not why I'm writing now. It was a good break. But now I'm back. The last time I was a full-time student was this semester a year ago. That's when I was thrown into a depression. And now, I'm kinda terrified of the same happening again. I watched a bunch of lectures this weekend, but the doubts always creep in. Like, should I have tried reading from the textbook instead? And I have this sore throat, so I get distracted by that as well...

So I'm just trying to commit it to God. I'll try hard to work hard. If I say "work my hardest", it sounds too much like last year when that mindset got me consistent failing grades.

I normally write out reflections for the new year, but I'm falling short this year, even knowing that these reflections help me to grow more as a person and as a Christian. Last year was maybe my toughest to date. It certainly had some of the lowest points to date. Exercise doesn't shake off depression; it was like being draped with a persistent unhappy that you can't seem to get rid of.

But now I've long since recovered from that. Unless I fail something (and I am very genuinely terrified of that), I get to leave the island in August.

I have more friends who want to travel, so if I go again, I won't have to do so alone. And I won't do it in as impoverished a fashion as before; I had my taste already. My current schedule will leave me with an extra ten months around rotations, so as long as I can adequately explain what I did with that extra time to a residency director, I should be okay. So really, I have no idea.

Anyway, I've got some classes to fail. I'm playing patient tomorrow for playing doctor class, and this abdominal pain isn't going to fake itself.

All Alone

"All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot"

That quote from Dr. Seuss's Oh! The Places You'll Go! has been on my phone's main screen since I got it (the phone, that is). Being away from everyone at home has led me to believe that everyone at home lacks judgment in a lot of areas. Well, judgment and the initiative to research an opinion before they spout it and then stake every claim on it.

Gun control, Syrian refugees, presidential candidates (Trump, Carson, Clinton, Sanders), shootings, vaccines, climate change... some of these have clear answers. Not all, admittedly, but enough of them do have clear answers that it is frustrating to see the public view as it is. Like, I care about a lot of these issues, even though it goes against my upbringing, at least geographically. I'm supposed to be a republican 'cause I'm from Texas. But every republican candidate (and republican opinion, it seems) appears to be foolish or simply upsetting. I'm pro-life at least to the extent that I don't think abortion should be viewed as a contraceptive, but I don't really know about the rest. But I do think that it would be healthy to debate it.

I don't know. I get frustrated. Have I become one of the fools who always thinks he's right? I mean, in my mind at least, I'd rather be educated than right. Hope I don't turn into someone I don't like. My trick is usually to look back on my 12-year-old self, because he was the smartest and wisest. Whatever he would do, because he (like me on this island), was not nearly so exposed to the cruel things of this world.

Oh Sister...

It's been far too long. Going into finals, I've got B's all around, so no big worries. In fact, I made a 93 on my last microbiology exam, a point below the highest in the class.

What brings me to ye olde blog is a certain snap story. My youngest sister, who is a week from turning 21, documented her night on the town. It began with her being carded, but somehow, she still managed to take shot after shot in the videos that followed, in addition to beer and other delights. By 11 PM her time, she had had more to drink than I typically do when I'm binge drinking.

And then the updates continued. Her friend was fumbling for her keys, though all were obviously too drunk to drive. Then my sister updated with another video later, her with her on again off again enabling boyfriend. They were both obviously drunk and in the front seats of the car. She said "I hit someone when I was going really fast". The next update showed her boyfriend laying down next to a puddle of his vomit in a parking lot.

Here's the question that plagues the mind: what do I do? What does anyone do to deal with that? The obvious answer is that she should have her license revoked and not allowed to drink. But the boyfriend isn't the only enabler. She has a father who, despite all the logic and reasoning in the world, still manages to see her as a victim of whatever her actions may be. And she burns through cash like crazy as a result. My dad is not currently wealthy enough to support her being an idiot, yet it seems that he does.

There are also the other factors. My dad's best friend committed suicide in August, and our grandma (his mom) passed away last month. So it's not like dad needs more stress. But life seems able to find a way. Or rather, that sister does.

I just don't know what to do about it. That sister is a problem that has taken over family discussions for years now, as we deliberate what can possibly be done to manage her, to make her a functional member of society. She's has brains and is pretty, but she uses both stupidly.

As a medical student, I've learned that many problems are mine, but another great many problems are not. When it comes to family, it's difficult to find where the line is.

So as I prepare to go home, I also prepare to jump back into stupid problems that shouldn't exist, but do because people aren't educated, or are just unwise. Intelligence can be an awful burden.

A lil' itsy tidbit

That same talent show weekend, my grandma on my dad's side had a stroke. She was in the hospital for weeks, and now she has some further hemorrhaging. I think she's still alive, but she isn't likely to be for long. It's weird being so detached from it, but I'm 1200 miles away. I saw her over the last break, and my grandparents had their 60th anniversary. We took pictures and all that. So really, it's kind of okay for this to be the timing, I think.

Anyway, tests are coming up. And November is the month of presentations, which tend to be my strong suit, so we'll see.

Oh, and Med Psych is awful. I'm not sure that any other class has wasted so much time. And the prof won't cancel tomorrow's class (even though we've covered all the material) because he doesn't think it's ethical (he's also the ethics prof).

Ah, the Talent Show

I know, I know, I don't blog enough *crickets chirping*.

Last night, I performed in our med school's talent show. While the show itself was mostly unimpressive, my routine had only improved since I last performed it in college. Back then, I had only recently learned a lot of the moves and had also only just begun working out in order to do the moves well. My routine reflected that, with difficult things edited out so I wouldn't be quite so exhausted throughout. But this time, I was fit enough that that wasn't a concern. I had strength and endurance from the 3 /12 years of regular stretching and exercise since.

So my earlier concern that I wouldn't be able to dance as well as I used to was quickly eradicated as I found myself able to do far more than I could back then. One thing that hadn't changed is the amount of anxiety that builds up. I meant to study yesterday, but I could hardly get myself to read at all. Instead, I practiced for hours (I had only meant to give it a half-hour to get it straight). Whoops.

Anyway, I passed my last exams and have a psych exam tomorrow followed by a microbiology exam the next week. We'll see...