Ah Yes (Ah No?)

I've been meaning to post for awhile now... Life happened a lot while I was home for break. We went on a cruise. Everyone was nuts and it was honestly exhausting. Given how much drama is in our family now, I can see how people become workaholics, alcoholics, etc...

But that's not why I'm writing now. It was a good break. But now I'm back. The last time I was a full-time student was this semester a year ago. That's when I was thrown into a depression. And now, I'm kinda terrified of the same happening again. I watched a bunch of lectures this weekend, but the doubts always creep in. Like, should I have tried reading from the textbook instead? And I have this sore throat, so I get distracted by that as well...

So I'm just trying to commit it to God. I'll try hard to work hard. If I say "work my hardest", it sounds too much like last year when that mindset got me consistent failing grades.

I normally write out reflections for the new year, but I'm falling short this year, even knowing that these reflections help me to grow more as a person and as a Christian. Last year was maybe my toughest to date. It certainly had some of the lowest points to date. Exercise doesn't shake off depression; it was like being draped with a persistent unhappy that you can't seem to get rid of.

But now I've long since recovered from that. Unless I fail something (and I am very genuinely terrified of that), I get to leave the island in August.

I have more friends who want to travel, so if I go again, I won't have to do so alone. And I won't do it in as impoverished a fashion as before; I had my taste already. My current schedule will leave me with an extra ten months around rotations, so as long as I can adequately explain what I did with that extra time to a residency director, I should be okay. So really, I have no idea.

Anyway, I've got some classes to fail. I'm playing patient tomorrow for playing doctor class, and this abdominal pain isn't going to fake itself.