Ordered Medication

Well, after I had those depression symptoms for a couple weeks, I asked a friend to prescribe me antidepressants. And I gotta say, just knowing that those are about to ship has been enough to improve my mood. I have been wanting to be on antidepressants for years, not just for the occasional depressive episodes, but for the anxiety. The constant ever-present anxiety. It used to help with performances, still does, but over time, it has had more negative effects than positive.

One of the few things that I have been good about the past couple weeks is practicing guitar. Just as with learning foreign languages or anything else outside my usual wheelhouse, I find that I maintain motivation if I can use it to deliver jokes. In French class, I learned much more slowly because I wanted to write jokes in French. So I would learn just enough vocabulatory and conjugation to say silly things, and this of course did not lead to a broad level of comprehension. For the guitar, I have some jokes that I am writing specifically with the instrument in mind, not just for musical accompaniment, but to use the guitar itself as a prop. All the parts of the buffalo come into play.

Just after I started feeling the depression symptoms, my brother yelled at me. Why? Because I asked him to fix the internet. But now he is scared of wifi waves, so he does not want a strong signal. So he yelled at me about the part of a room that has been used for storage (so it is not clean and tidy), saying that I refuse to clean. I reiterated that I need internet access and that cleaning that up is not an urgent need. He kept yelling and throwing things and was in tears, and I told him I would not talk to him about it when he was acting like this. After that round of verbal abuse, he left, then came back a minute later and apologized, proposing a realistic solution. Then a week later, my other brother blew up the group chat by telling me off for not showing up to family holiday events, and shared that he had been telling people bewildering tales about why I was avoiding them. My narcissister responded with what she knew, about the deeply hurtful superiority and condescension my dad had shown to me when I was fresh with my doctorate. Brother responded with something like, "feelings blah blah blah" and I decided that yeah, I will skip every holiday event I can this season. Narcissister and I then talked about it and meds last night, which was nice!