Not Doing Great

I feel awful.

I need a social life, right? Work?

Every job with decent pay requires years of having already had the job. Entry level jobs pay remarkably little.

Internet at home gets "upgraded" and the signal does not reach upstairs where I work. Brother suddenly decides that he does not want wifi signals physically near him, also upstairs, so he has to throw a tantrum (which involves literally throwing things and yelling), then when I refuse to converse with him in this fashion, he storms out, then later apologizes and offers an actual solution, to which I can agree.

I am already miserable. I cannot find work. Months after I played the role, I finally got the paycheck for my hourly work on the set off this indie show. Will anything come of it? Will anything come of anything?

I want to fly out to LA just for the sake of opportunity, but what will I do there? Sit in a library or coffee shop like I am doing now? Sure I would likely perform a few live comedy shows, but that is it.

I keep trying to pivot. I am bad at screenwriting. Okay, I will work on standup with guitar. I am bad at guitar. Okay, maybe if we dumb down our goals for that. Still frustrated overall.

A cute girl is sitting at the next table over at the library. I used to conjure up a pretend one-sided fake romance with tiny stolen glances, but now? What is the point? My brain cannot handle dating even if I did have a job.

I watch this theologian on TikTok sometimes. Hell as a concept is barely even in the Bible, and largely undefined. Even when Jesus talked about sheol, it was an understanding of the place where everyone goes when they die. Genesis 2-3 is a specific account of creation that was later most likely corrected with Genesis 1. What frustrates me about these things is not the inconsistency. I knew early on that there were inconsistencies. What throws me is that we were taught as if there are basic firm aspects of the Christian faith based in scripture, but on the contrary, they are often based in culture and discussion from centuries after Jesus walked this planet. Give us full context! It is tough to be a Christian when basic aspects of what you were taught were based in nothing but Dante's Inferno. I read that book. As I recall, it is fictional poetry. Also, no such thing as the devil, lucifer, or satan, not as an individual evil entity.

What do I even want anymore? I crave the time between action and cut. So really, what I want is to skip the holidays and go straight to when we shoot this short film next month. And lots of reddit posts said that they got their SXSW rejections last month, so I assume that the indie show I am in did not get its episodic premiere there. I would like a writing partner, to find "my people", but my little community remains quite little, and most within it are not wanting to collaborate more than we currently are.

Is this seasonal depression? Or just a long time between jobs? 

That street interview gig I did? I do not think that they will be using the footage. At least I now know that I can write funny questions.

Also, there is genocide actively happening.

I am so tired and trying to stop drinking (so much). There are people in far worse situations, so complaining feels stupid. But at the same time, someone else's situation being worse does not make mine any better.

I hate this.

A baby was crying at the library. A guy yelled at her to take the baby downstairs. That could have been handled better. There was also a book club that spent a good ten minutes talking loudly after they adjourned. One mentioned how they had hardly talked about the book. I was annoyed, but also jealous.

I am in better physical shape now than I have been for a couple months, but a big part of me wants to skip the gym today and flee somewhere where I can have a social life. My local friends do not invite me over anymore, in large part because I always declined when the pandemic was raging. But I also hesitate because most of them want to talk about normal boring things. Like life. I ALREADY HAVE TO LIVE MINE AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT?

Long-term isolation is bad for me. Yet interrupting that isolation costs money. What do I do? What do I do? What is there to do? Keep writing. Keep slowly draining my remaining funds. Keep missing opportunities because I lack representation and do not live in LA or NYC? Oh how I wish I could move to where my people are.